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It’s time for yet another edition of our beloved mailbag. Well, I love it at least because it means I get to go through all of the search terms that people are using to find this blog. Some of them are weird. This time around, we’re going to focus on characteristics of pedophiles, and how to tell if someone around you is a pedophile.

What makes someone a pedophile?

Well, first of all, a disproportionate interest in children. However, that doesn’t always make it easy to tell. What about schoolteachers? What about Santa? What about Jesus???? He loves the little children, you know. I would continue, with the whole naming the colors of children Jesus likes, but I don’t want to seem racist. Plus I’m afraid of making him look kind of creepy, with that nasterly beard, which is a nice segue into the next way to tell if someone’s a pedo.

Facial hair. This is the NUMBER ONE way to tell if someone is a pervert. Do they have gross facial hair? Is it ironic? WHO CARES. When it comes to pervy facial hair, irony is a red herring. Think of these guys as Agatha Christie. They want to throw you off their trail and make you think that they’re hipsters. DO NOT BE FOOLED, DEAR READERS. They probably are not hipsters.

Third, do they own a van? If yes, they are a pedophile. Unless they’re in a band. If you don’t know whether they are in a band or not, come up with a reason to look inside their van. Pretend it’s an ice cream truck and just open the back door. Are there instruments and/or other equipment in the van? They are probably in a band, but keep looking anyway. That equipment could be another ruse to trick you into thinking they’re just cute young guys. But yes. Those three things are how to tell if someone is a pedophile, in order (not the order presented though): Facial hair, owning a van, and liking little kids waaaaaay too much.

Are all guys pedophiles?

It depends on who you talk to. I am going to say no, simply because of the relatively recent rise in MILF porn, as well as the fact that the “cougar” is something akin to a zeitgeist right now. Either cougars or, I don’t know, Jo Bros. One of those is pretty representative of our times, I’d say.

Is he a pedophile?

You are going to have to be more specific here.

Do pedophiles joke about pedophiles?

I can’t really say, because I don’t know that a pedophile has ever made a joke about pedophiles to me before. But I do know gay folks who make jokes about gay stuff, and woman-drivers who joke about woman-drivers. So I guess if it’s a pedophile who is into using irony to derive a more appropriate form of humor from the pedophile equivalent of “Why was Helen Keller such a horrible driver?” (it’s because she’s a woman) then yes. However, pedophiles haven’t really reached the point of their movement where they’re trying to reclaim negative terms about themselves, so maybe it’s still just South Park and Family Guy making pedophile jokes.

Can a pedophile love a woman?

I don’t know. Does she have young children?

Dakota Fanning is hot. Am I a pedophile?

Yes.

Okay, so this isn’t actually mail, per se, because no one has ever emailed in any questions. But it’s essentially the same thing, wherein I respond to the search terms people used to find our humble little blog.

Question: “What do stupid young hipster guys want?”

Answer: Expensive jeans and cocaine. Sometimes you can woo them with a little weed and some Sparks, and if they have some cocaine in the pocket of their expensive jeans they are more than happy with cheap ironic beer. Except not really, and they’ll ask you to buy them expensive mixed drinks made with expensive whiskey and they’ll offer to give you $2 for it. Don’t be fooled. These guys are just assholes in expensive jeans. Oh, and they also want iPhones.

Question: “Was Mr. Rogers a child molester?”

Answer: No and you are disgusting for even thinking that. Seriously, Mr. Rogers was a god among men, even though he might not like me saying that because he was a minister. But he was an amazing man who really cared about children (not in a gross way, okay!) and spent his entire life trying to help kids be everything they could possibly be and I love him. I hate you for asking.

Question: “Why do pedophiles have mustaches?”

Answer: The world may never truly know. My guess is that it’s becauseĀ  it makes them look a lot creepier. But you have to realize, not all pedophiles have mustaches. Some have beards, and some are even cleanshaven. I know it sounds like crazy talk, but it is true!