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I like Drew Barrymore. She’s “cute,” in the best possible way, and she seems like a pretty decent person. Whip It was actually really good (I was as surprised as anyone: a roller derby movie starring Juno and Kristen Wiig? Ugh. But no! Awesome). I give her huge props for totally turning her teenage years – drug addiction, starring in movies like Poison Ivy and the Amy Fisher Story as Ivy and Amy Fisher, respectively. Lindsay Lohan would do well to take a page from Drew’s book. Just, maybe not a page from a recent chapter.

I’m not sure what look Drew is going for here. I think it’s probably meant to be some cool thing, because famous people keep trying to make these hats work. These hats are totally fetch, as in they are never going to happen. They also always make you look kind of creepy. The whole outfit, with those kicks, the big headphones and the pretty full looking backpack, screams runaway teen. Then the reflective sunglasses whisper, “hey, don’t look at my eyes.” So basically, Drew Barrymore looks like a creepy old man runaway teen who doesn’t want anyone to see what her eyes are doing. It reminds me of one of my favorite episodes of SVU, where Eric van der Woodsen plays a kid named Teddy (I know, right?) who sexually abuses his little brother on his website called “Teddy’s Treehouse,” then runs away when he’s caught.

Even that woman behind her looks worried. A little starstruck maybe, but worried too.

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SPOILER ALERT: This is a joke. Please don’t get butthurt because your dream boyfriend might be a hipster (and if your dream boyfriend is Noel Fielding, is definitely a hipster).

Some people never have a chance, really. They say that pedophilia is a vicious cycle and I can only assume that time will show that hipster parents beget hipster kids as well. It is clearly too late for our lost boy Noel Fielding but I hold out hope that his brother Michael Fielding can still be saved. But we must act quickly!

Unhand That Child, Sir!

I suspect that Noel Fielding will try to thwart us so first we need to ascertain what sort of  a threat he poses! Thus I ask you, dear readers, Noel Fielding – HIP or PED…make your choice…

p.s. Noel Fielding may have Michael dressing like him (skinny jeans and a skeleton jumper) to make him look older but that fake mustache is fooling no one. The boy is clearly underage.*

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Dude, I’m so hungover right now. I think maybe I did too much coke and wore way too many purple jeans last night. I don’t even know where I am right now. I woke up in some kid’s tree house, and I don’t know how I got there.

At least no one drew penises on my face or stole my bitchin’ sweater while I was passed out.

I can sort of see what Zachary Quinto is going for here. At least, I assume it’s some kind of modern Cuban Mr. Rogers. It’s like the fashion version of fusion cooking, like Cuban-Christian gourmet dinners. Except he decided that, in this case, “modern” means a mustache that’s decidedly stuck between pedophile and Possibly Evil Corporate Executive On An Early 60s Sitcom. Sorry, dude, but only John Waters can pull that shit off. Even his cartoon self couldn’t do it quite right.

Here are several ways to update one’s wardrobe so that you don’t look like you touch children.

  • Tin foil. Tin foil makes you look like a robot, and robots are very modern. If you use the shiny side, it looks even more futuristic. Especially if you wear it as a hat (this also stops the government from reading your filthy, dirty thoughts).
  • Be really really really really incredibly rich, and buy Yves Saint Laurent’s 1967 Mondrian dress.
  • Be an art thief and steal that dress. I don’t recommend this, because it might end up being too much like the horrible remake of the Thomas Crown Affair that only exists to show that Old People Can Be Sexy Too™. However, if you’re an art thief, you can also just steal modern art and wear it like a poncho (take it out of the frame/unstretch the canvas first). Be careful not to do this with anything by Matisse, because who knows what might happen.
  • No matter what, don’t grow a creepy looking mustache. That is not modern, it is just creepy and wrong.

I know that polyester old man clothes are pretty much a visual clue for hipsters, male or female. There’s a reason why when my dad gave me a pair of unisex purple corduroy bell-bottoms when I was in middle school, I said no. Plus the fact that they were unisex purple corduroy bell-bottoms that my dad wore 25 years earlier. But Peter (associate of Bjorn and John) takes the 70s hippie (and let’s face it Dad, kind of hipster) look and says no just like I did. Instead, he’s totally dressed like my 90 year old grandfather when he goes to holiday dinners at the assisted living facility.

That said, I’m comfortable saying that Peter Moren is a hipster. Everyone knows that if you’re a pedophile looking to go to a hipster music festival, you’re going to either Pitchfork or Lollapalooza – kids under 10 get in free there.