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This was totally made by hipsters. They’re just trying to disguise themselves.

It’s time for yet another edition of our beloved mailbag. Well, I love it at least because it means I get to go through all of the search terms that people are using to find this blog. Some of them are weird. This time around, we’re going to focus on characteristics of pedophiles, and how to tell if someone around you is a pedophile.

What makes someone a pedophile?

Well, first of all, a disproportionate interest in children. However, that doesn’t always make it easy to tell. What about schoolteachers? What about Santa? What about Jesus???? He loves the little children, you know. I would continue, with the whole naming the colors of children Jesus likes, but I don’t want to seem racist. Plus I’m afraid of making him look kind of creepy, with that nasterly beard, which is a nice segue into the next way to tell if someone’s a pedo.

Facial hair. This is the NUMBER ONE way to tell if someone is a pervert. Do they have gross facial hair? Is it ironic? WHO CARES. When it comes to pervy facial hair, irony is a red herring. Think of these guys as Agatha Christie. They want to throw you off their trail and make you think that they’re hipsters. DO NOT BE FOOLED, DEAR READERS. They probably are not hipsters.

Third, do they own a van? If yes, they are a pedophile. Unless they’re in a band. If you don’t know whether they are in a band or not, come up with a reason to look inside their van. Pretend it’s an ice cream truck and just open the back door. Are there instruments and/or other equipment in the van? They are probably in a band, but keep looking anyway. That equipment could be another ruse to trick you into thinking they’re just cute young guys. But yes. Those three things are how to tell if someone is a pedophile, in order (not the order presented though): Facial hair, owning a van, and liking little kids waaaaaay too much.

Are all guys pedophiles?

It depends on who you talk to. I am going to say no, simply because of the relatively recent rise in MILF porn, as well as the fact that the “cougar” is something akin to a zeitgeist right now. Either cougars or, I don’t know, Jo Bros. One of those is pretty representative of our times, I’d say.

Is he a pedophile?

You are going to have to be more specific here.

Do pedophiles joke about pedophiles?

I can’t really say, because I don’t know that a pedophile has ever made a joke about pedophiles to me before. But I do know gay folks who make jokes about gay stuff, and woman-drivers who joke about woman-drivers. So I guess if it’s a pedophile who is into using irony to derive a more appropriate form of humor from the pedophile equivalent of “Why was Helen Keller such a horrible driver?” (it’s because she’s a woman) then yes. However, pedophiles haven’t really reached the point of their movement where they’re trying to reclaim negative terms about themselves, so maybe it’s still just South Park and Family Guy making pedophile jokes.

Can a pedophile love a woman?

I don’t know. Does she have young children?

Dakota Fanning is hot. Am I a pedophile?

Yes.

Sometimes you look at someone and you think to yourself, “man, that person is a HIPSTER.” And that’s o.k. You are probably right because, as an avid reader of this blog, you are equipped to make such a snap decision. Let’s take John Krasinski as a completely random example. John Krasinski, you think to yourself with relative confidence, is a HIPSTER.

johnkrasinski

I mean, alright, he’s not a Cobra Snake attending, fixie riding, artiste waif who pays for his ridiculously tight girl jeans with his parent’s trust fund. He’s more of a “Stuff White People Like” variety of hipster. (Seriously, check out that blog if you haven’t already, it’s awesome.)

But the point is, this guy is definitely a hipster. And maybe you’re o.k. with that. He is Jim from the Office. Jim from the Office is a pretty awesome guy, I’ll admit. He plays cute little pranks, pulls adorable faces, and he swayed with Pam to some mainstream indie band in the second season. All in all, he’s pretty endearing.

But I ask you, gentle reader, is it all just a ruse? Is young Johnny hiding his true(ly sinister) nature?!

final-john

(Do NOT trust this man!)

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Okay, so this isn’t actually mail, per se, because no one has ever emailed in any questions. But it’s essentially the same thing, wherein I respond to the search terms people used to find our humble little blog.

Question: “What do stupid young hipster guys want?”

Answer: Expensive jeans and cocaine. Sometimes you can woo them with a little weed and some Sparks, and if they have some cocaine in the pocket of their expensive jeans they are more than happy with cheap ironic beer. Except not really, and they’ll ask you to buy them expensive mixed drinks made with expensive whiskey and they’ll offer to give you $2 for it. Don’t be fooled. These guys are just assholes in expensive jeans. Oh, and they also want iPhones.

Question: “Was Mr. Rogers a child molester?”

Answer: No and you are disgusting for even thinking that. Seriously, Mr. Rogers was a god among men, even though he might not like me saying that because he was a minister. But he was an amazing man who really cared about children (not in a gross way, okay!) and spent his entire life trying to help kids be everything they could possibly be and I love him. I hate you for asking.

Question: “Why do pedophiles have mustaches?”

Answer: The world may never truly know. My guess is that it’s because  it makes them look a lot creepier. But you have to realize, not all pedophiles have mustaches. Some have beards, and some are even cleanshaven. I know it sounds like crazy talk, but it is true!

So I was watching my favorite show of all time, Rock of Love: Charm School, and in between crying jags over my two favorite Rock of Lovers of all time leaving, I noticed that Jeffrey Sebelia from Project Runway was a judge on the most recent episode. Jeffrey was never my “type,” because I have an aversion to ugly neck tattoos, especially when worn by guys who are so “rock and roll.” Ugh. It’s just grossies.

Anyway, Neck Tattoo Jeffrey has a new mustache.

Well. At least I found something new to haunt my dreams. I was getting tired of that scene in the Devil’s Rejects where Captain Spaulding is having sex with his clown make-up on. To be fair, I just saw that movie this weekend, but I sleep a lot, so there was still lots of dream haunting.

I’ve been sitting on this for a few days now, hoping to find a picture of someone besides Jude Law to put here. I’m as exasperated as you are. When did this turn into Jude Law Looks Like A Pedophile? About two and a half weeks ago, I guess. Allegedly, the ‘stache is for the new Sherlock Holmes movie, wherein Jude Law allegedly plays Watson. But when even your  own child tries to run away screaming because you really do totally look like you’re about to touch her or her friends in her swimsuit area, dude that’s a problem.

Facial hair for fathers is a tricky thing, I know that. My dad has a beard, and has for almost all of my life. When I was four, he shaved it off and came to pick me up at daycare. I didn’t recognize him and hid! Then, when my sister was four or so, he did the same thing to her (out of fairness, I guess). Facial hair can really change the way someone looks, and when you’re really young sometimes you can’t figure out who that person is on your own. I get that. Maybe that’s what’s going on here. But at the same time, I really, really, really encourage Jude-ina there to run away until her daycare or preschool teacher calls her mom to come and explain that this man really is her daddy.

Dammit Jude Law, you’re not even trying now are you? Throw on a scarf, old chap, so you at least have a sporting chance here! And please, don’t look so surprised. You’re the one that left the house with your pants tucked into your socks.

Oh, how long it’s been, friends. I can call you friends because I’m like John McCain like that. It’s been a while since I saw any really striking examples of hipster and/or pedophile in the celebrity world – and the real world. It’s like everyone ever was all “hm how can we make Sarah’s life more boring and lame? I know! Let’s stop growing ‘ironic’ pedostaches and start dressing decently!” Ugh horrible! It’s like the heavens decided to wreak horribleness all up ons me in every possible way!

photo via faded youth, obviously

So thank god for Jude Law. I never ever ever thought I would say that before. I don’t expect to say it again. I’m not a fan of his. I think he looks like a skeezy version of Phil Collins. And I mean, I love “Against All Odds,” and he did some pretty dece work with Genesis (although really Peter Gabriel was better both in Genesis and solo). But at the same time, Phil Collins is already kind of skeezy looking. So looking like the pedo version of Phil Collins is really saying something. Jude Law is trying his hardest, his absolute damnedest to be a hipster with those glasses and that scarf, but it’s just not working. As it is, at least we can be confident that he’s not actually a pedophile since as far as we the public know, he doesn’t have sex with children, just their nannies.

After the jump, some bonus Phil Collins videos!

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