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I just want to preface this by saying that I did not watch the VMAs. Sorry but even though I might not look it to most people, I’m not a tween (when I started my current job, THREE different people asked if I was excited to be out of high school and if I was planning going to college after a year off). If that makes me a hipster, well, at least I have nothing to do with the Jonas Brothers. That would make me a pedophile.

I do have several friends who apparently watched the VMAs and live-tweeted it. It was brutal to wade through, but I found out that Kanye West continues to be a douche, I should be on Team Taylor, Beyonce is a class act who apparently had the best performance of the night, and Lady Gaga was the best dressed. Yeah… no. I know this because I checked out some pictures of the evening. That’s how I found out about the new Asher Roth.

Remember when Ryan Gosling grew a mustache for Lars and the Real Girl, and everyone was like “Ewwwww he looks like a pervert!” At least Ryan Gosling did it for a movie.

Not to mention, his date looks like she’s in an American Apparel ad. The kind that gets banned from England for looking too much like kiddie porn. But hopefully she’s “over 18” (yeah right, Dov Charney), and will at least keep future Inmate Roth away from Miranda Cosgrove.

Colin Meloy considering an entirely in-character escape by sea.

So word on the internet is that I am completely insane about the Decemberists. Well, yes, it’s true. I have seen the Decemberists between 15 and 17 times so far (I always lose count at 14 times, but I’ve seen them 3 times so far this year, bringing it to at least 17 times now). And yes, the highlight and defining moment of my life was the time when Colin Meloy decided to stage dive and he looked into my eyes and I touched his hand and for a split-second we both just knew that if only he didn’t have a child, we would be together and happy for the rest of our lives.

Moving on. Since I’m a little bit of a fan, and my esteemed colleague counts herself one too, it came as a bit of a surprise to me to realize that we’ve never dissected Mr. Meloy’s… predilections. On the surface, I would say hipster, easy. Meloy relocated to Portland, Oregon, where he met and began dating an artist, released a bunch of stuff on Kill Rock Stars, and eventually had a child he and the aforementioned artist named Hank. But then we delved a little bit deeper into his psyche, looking past the old-fashioned names and the indie rock cred (which, in his defense, thanks to prog-folk rock operas, remains firmly intact despite a major label contract).

Colin Meloy is neither a hipster nor a pedophile. He is, instead, a serial killer. I can’t believe it took me this long to realize it, when his songs are his confessions. You might think that Meloy is harmless, but if you think that then you’re probably confusing him with Ben Gibbard. Yes, Meloy is charming, but so was Ted Bundy.

  • “Leslie Anne Levine,” a song about am infant who died within hours of birth and then buried in a ditch (this could be said to be about a miscarriage, but in light of other evidence, I doubt it).
  • “We Both Go Down Together,” in which the son of wealthy landowners convinces “a dirty daughter from the labor camps” to participate in an alleged suicide pact. But who knows if he really kills himself too? It is a perfect way to get many disposable young beauties just where one can kill them.
  • “The Mariner’s Revenge Song,” which is the most awesome song ever!!!!! And also about an orphan seeking revenge on the rake and roustabout who left our charming writer narrator’s mother with nothing but debts and consumption. Eventually they meet in the belly of the whale, where the narrator at the very least attempts to murder the older gentleman. I am, however, convinced that he succeeds.

  • “The Island (Come and See/The Landlord’s Daughter/You’ll Not Feel the Drowning).” Dude, it’s right in the damn title. First he rapes the landlord’s daughter, then he kills her and also calls her ugly. Not only is this about murder, it’s about a particularly mean murderer.
  • The Culling of the Fold,” which is my second favorite song by the D’s (after “Mariner’s”) and one about how we all need to kill people because someone’s got to do the culling of the fold. Also, Colin Meloy is wearing very tight pants in the video linked here, so he’s also killing his chances of having more children.
  • “The Rake’s Song,” the riveting tale of a widower who murders his three remaining children for “the freedom of a new life.” To be fair, while he isn’t bothered, the ghosts of his three murdered children do return to haunt him in “The Hazards of Love 3 (Revenge!).”

I could continue, but instead I choose to keep some of my love for Colin Meloy alive. I also think it’s unfair to say too many bad things about Colin Meloy, because I’m pretty sure he had a stroke at some point. He only ever sings out of one side of his mouth, and it looks like stroke face something fierce.

Alright. So, if you are totally awesome, you know that Jarvis Cocker has just put out a new record and it is A-MAZ-ING. I mean, seriously, it’s great. It’s like all I listen to lately. Love it. I talk about it all the time. People (Ashley) have started to ask me to, you know, not talk about him so much. Especially things like this:

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So have you guys read Tales From A Groupie? Basically, it’s all these completely false stories about chicks hooking up with famous dudes. They started out mostly rappists and sports stars, but lately some of our favorite celebrities have been showing up on there. Here are some excerpts:

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

It was pretty sweet, kinda felt like having sex with a boyfriend. I got up, and put my underwear back on and sat on the couch. We spent a few minutes just looking at each other, talking about random things, and then he got up, put his underwear and lit up a cigarette. I went ahead and smoked with him, even though I don’t normally smoke. We talked for a while after that, then he got dressed and said he had to go home. He didn’t ask for my number and I didn’t ask for his, he just said he hoped we got to see each other again. I said maybe, I might go to your brother’s show again if you promise me there’ll be less hipsters, and he laughed.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, not liking hipsters? I always knew he was a self-hater. OR IS HE? These posts don’t include the submitter’s age…

Gael Garcia Bernal

I was in Spain visiting my grandmother a few years ago, and I managed to score some tickets get into some premier for a movie thanks to my cousin who was part of the production team. I had pretty good seats, not front row or anything, but within the first 3 rows. The seat to my right was empty for the first half hour maybe, when this stunningly gorgeous man said, “Excuse me” and sat down. He had the most amazing green eyes, and even though he was short, less than 2 inches taller than me, he was so attractive.

That is all I can quote, because it is FILTHY. Also, it’s very very very very very fake sounding. The best part about this quasi-fan fiction is that it’s not even Mary Sue stuff, because the whole point is that you write yourself into it.

Shia LaBeouf

I met him at a not so well known bar in LA back before, well when he was starting to become, a movie star. It was not a celeb hot spot, and me and some of my girls decided to go out for some drinks. Never would I think this guy would be here. It was like RIGHT before that movie Disturbia came out. I was at the bar and he was there with some of his boys. We had some eye contact and when I went to the bar, that’s when he came up to me.

Yeah but I bet he was wearing some stupid reindeer sweater or something.

Despite some of our favorites (and “favorites”), the only story that you REALLY need to read is the one about Travis Barker. He’s certainly not a hipster, and doesn’t look much like a pedophile, but apparently he likes to be watched.

While I was waiting for him to get there I was trying to get my sister to leave but she was sleeping n anybody who knows her knows that if she’s sleeping its gonna take hours to wake her up!…While he was in the bathroom I smacked my sister’s face to wake her up to tell he what happened. She laughed n said I know bitch I was watching. lol.

I know that polyester old man clothes are pretty much a visual clue for hipsters, male or female. There’s a reason why when my dad gave me a pair of unisex purple corduroy bell-bottoms when I was in middle school, I said no. Plus the fact that they were unisex purple corduroy bell-bottoms that my dad wore 25 years earlier. But Peter (associate of Bjorn and John) takes the 70s hippie (and let’s face it Dad, kind of hipster) look and says no just like I did. Instead, he’s totally dressed like my 90 year old grandfather when he goes to holiday dinners at the assisted living facility.

That said, I’m comfortable saying that Peter Moren is a hipster. Everyone knows that if you’re a pedophile looking to go to a hipster music festival, you’re going to either Pitchfork or Lollapalooza – kids under 10 get in free there.

Flight of the Conchords in 100 words or less.

Two young New Zealand men immigrate to New York City to pursue their dream of being “musicians.”

Honestly, this stuff just writes itself sometimes.

Honestly, this stuff just writes itself sometimes.

As I understand it, “Musician” is often synonymous with unemployed, scruffy gentleman who drives around town in a rusted out van, and supplies underage kids with cheap beer. Strange how familiar that description is…

I think this calls for another round of HIPSTER or PEDOPHILE?!

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HIPSTER or PEDOPHILE…

Sometimes life is not a simple dichotomy. I’m sorry if I have to be the one to tell you this, gentle reader, but sometimes the truth is more complicated than that. This game, however, does not have to be complicated. Let’s keep it simple. We’ll just break down all the evidence** and then the truth will out itself.

This is Ryan Adams:

Ryan Adams

No, really, he is wearing that in public. Hiding in plain sight, eh? But! Is he a Hipster? Or is he a Pedophile?

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Do you ever sometimes feel like people are mocking you, perhaps without even knowing? Because sometimes I feel like that when I see pictures like this. It’s as if Anthony Kiedis was getting dressed and said to himself, “Tony. You know what would be great? If you made yourself look like an ugly, creepy Johnny Depp. But how to do it…?” He decided that the best way was to get dressed as if he was Iggy Pop getting dressed as Professor Lupin getting dressed as Mr. Rogers (Lupin is dressing as Mr. Rogers to lure in the small children, but I have no idea why Iggy Pop would want to dress like that), and then threw on a pair of Rivers Cuomo glasses to throw people off his pedo trail. It sounds like one of my Halloween costumes, but it just looks creeptastic.

And Pete “Ophile” Wentz is also, apparently, a furry! IS THERE NO GOD????

You know, in England, they pronounce it “Peed-a-file.” I think that’s ever so fitting for our friend Mr. Wentz here. I don’t think we even have to discuss this. We have the following:

-Condoms

-Cookies

-Trix (which we all know are for kids)

A wonderful disguise of sunglasses and a hoodie

All that’s missing is Chris Hansen in the background.

It’s a shame that he’s having a kid. That child should be protected at all costs