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I can sort of see what Zachary Quinto is going for here. At least, I assume it’s some kind of modern Cuban Mr. Rogers. It’s like the fashion version of fusion cooking, like Cuban-Christian gourmet dinners. Except he decided that, in this case, “modern” means a mustache that’s decidedly stuck between pedophile and Possibly Evil Corporate Executive On An Early 60s Sitcom. Sorry, dude, but only John Waters can pull that shit off. Even his cartoon self couldn’t do it quite right.

Here are several ways to update one’s wardrobe so that you don’t look like you touch children.

  • Tin foil. Tin foil makes you look like a robot, and robots are very modern. If you use the shiny side, it looks even more futuristic. Especially if you wear it as a hat (this also stops the government from reading your filthy, dirty thoughts).
  • Be really really really really incredibly rich, and buy Yves Saint Laurent’s 1967 Mondrian dress.
  • Be an art thief and steal that dress. I don’t recommend this, because it might end up being too much like the horrible remake of the Thomas Crown Affair that only exists to show that Old People Can Be Sexy Too™. However, if you’re an art thief, you can also just steal modern art and wear it like a poncho (take it out of the frame/unstretch the canvas first). Be careful not to do this with anything by Matisse, because who knows what might happen.
  • No matter what, don’t grow a creepy looking mustache. That is not modern, it is just creepy and wrong.

Okay, so this isn’t actually mail, per se, because no one has ever emailed in any questions. But it’s essentially the same thing, wherein I respond to the search terms people used to find our humble little blog.

Question: “What do stupid young hipster guys want?”

Answer: Expensive jeans and cocaine. Sometimes you can woo them with a little weed and some Sparks, and if they have some cocaine in the pocket of their expensive jeans they are more than happy with cheap ironic beer. Except not really, and they’ll ask you to buy them expensive mixed drinks made with expensive whiskey and they’ll offer to give you $2 for it. Don’t be fooled. These guys are just assholes in expensive jeans. Oh, and they also want iPhones.

Question: “Was Mr. Rogers a child molester?”

Answer: No and you are disgusting for even thinking that. Seriously, Mr. Rogers was a god among men, even though he might not like me saying that because he was a minister. But he was an amazing man who really cared about children (not in a gross way, okay!) and spent his entire life trying to help kids be everything they could possibly be and I love him. I hate you for asking.

Question: “Why do pedophiles have mustaches?”

Answer: The world may never truly know. My guess is that it’s because  it makes them look a lot creepier. But you have to realize, not all pedophiles have mustaches. Some have beards, and some are even cleanshaven. I know it sounds like crazy talk, but it is true!