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While most people of late had been watching the Olympics with rapt attention I spent the majority of February getting into Criminal Minds. It’s a lot like Law and Order without that L&O twist! at the end. It does, however, have the always-adorable Matthew Grey Gubler. To be honest, he’s like 90% of the reason I watch (I’m shallow-whatever).

The more I see of him, however, the more concerned I become. And thus I turn to you, dear readers to help me decide: Hip or Ped?

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An important part of our responsibilities here on Hipster or Pedophile are spotting potential hipsters/pedophiles and alerting you, the general public, of the threat they pose. However, we would be remiss if we left it at that. It is almost equally important that we function as parole officers, keeping an eye repeat offenders and tracking the progress of hispters/pedophiles on the road to recovery (hypothetically, of course. NOBODY ever seems to recover).

THIS IS WHAT I MEAN!

We have our eye on you, too!

We have our eye on you, too!

Maybe actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt is branching out into producing the next big indie film, maybe he’s documenting recess at the local preschool. EITHER WAY he has a lot of explaining to do!

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Mr. Paul Dano

Paul Dano does not, at first glance, conform to any stereotypes of a typical pedophile. For starters, he does not have a beard nor does he appear to own or operate a van. Furthermore, he’s slowly been building a reputation by taking on roles in quirky-indie films starring other well-known hipsters. One might, therefore, make a snap judgment and assume that Mr. Dano is a hipster. Harsh!

However, it’s important* to be able to look past the surface and judge people on more subtle characteristics. For example, no matter what he’s doing, Paul Dano always looks vaguely awkward and a bit creepy.

Creepy Dano

One might say hipsters usually look awkward but “creepy” isn’t usually a hipster descriptor (unlike “gross” or “odd” or, sometimes “bizarrely attractive” which ARE good adjectives for hipsters).

So let’s consider.

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russell-brand-web

In America, Russell Brand is probably best known for his role in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” And as far as I can tell, that acting job is a pretty fair representation of his character in real life as well. To wit, Russell Brand has a reputation as a bit of a Lothario. As such, it wasn’t hard to find a few dodgy pictures of him on the internet.

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I think it’s safe to say that Edward Norton falls at least in the middle of the hipster-pedophile continuum. I won’t say hipster, though, because I don’t think that anyone who stars in a movie about a comic book character can really be a hipster, unless they’re Kirsten Dunst. Or Liv Tyler. Or Heath Ledger. Or Maggie Gyllenhaal. Or Ellen Page. Or… okay, Edward Norton must be a hipster.

Okay guys. I want to apologize for the dearth of updates. My computer was broken, and I guess maybe lots of celebrities were out looking like pedos while I couldn’t use the computer, because they seem to have gotten tired of it! I’ve been pretty sad, and have been forced to comfort myself with a theoretical cocoon of puzzles, lemonade, and Doctor Who. I also reached into the pop culture archives for this post.

Four years ago, I went to see Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, and was introduced to the acting tour de force that is David Thewlis. Sure, the only other things I’ve seen him in
are Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and Vice Magazine. Apparently, he’s been in lots of other things, but those are the only things I really know about. I think that says a lot about me, actually, but still doesn’t clear up at all where I fall on the hipster-pedophile scale. At the time PoA came out, I didn’t really read websites about celebrity gossip or Harry Potter movies. So imagine my surprise when I, along with the Trio, discover that the creepy guy passed out in their compartment on the Hogwarts Express is actually a teacher.

I mean, would you hire this guy to teach your kids? Especially defense against anything. He might teach the kids how to fend off grindyloos and how to banish a boggart, but you know that there’s absolutely no information on bad touches. And doesn’t this look remarkably similar to Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton’s mugshots? I think it’s the gray background and that sour look on his face, like he just met Chris Hansen. And lest you think that this was somehow Thewlis getting into character, after the jump are the pictures accompanying the Vice interview.

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Let’s just focus on Christopher Meloni, in the center, as Gene. I think we can all be reasonably comfortable saying hipster (Michael Showalter) and victim of a child molester (the other guy). That’s why he’s hiding behind the reflective aviators.

We all know Christopher Meloni as Detective Eliot Stabler, where he beats on child rapists. Some people know him from Oz, where he was a rapist or something. But not enough people know about Wet Hot American Summer, or his turn as Gene. Now, if you’ll just watch this video, I’m going to go fondle my sweaters and figure this one out.

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