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While most people of late had been watching the Olympics with rapt attention I spent the majority of February getting into Criminal Minds. It’s a lot like Law and Order without that L&O twist! at the end. It does, however, have the always-adorable Matthew Grey Gubler. To be honest, he’s like 90% of the reason I watch (I’m shallow-whatever).

The more I see of him, however, the more concerned I become. And thus I turn to you, dear readers to help me decide: Hip or Ped?

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So have you guys read Tales From A Groupie? Basically, it’s all these completely false stories about chicks hooking up with famous dudes. They started out mostly rappists and sports stars, but lately some of our favorite celebrities have been showing up on there. Here are some excerpts:

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

It was pretty sweet, kinda felt like having sex with a boyfriend. I got up, and put my underwear back on and sat on the couch. We spent a few minutes just looking at each other, talking about random things, and then he got up, put his underwear and lit up a cigarette. I went ahead and smoked with him, even though I don’t normally smoke. We talked for a while after that, then he got dressed and said he had to go home. He didn’t ask for my number and I didn’t ask for his, he just said he hoped we got to see each other again. I said maybe, I might go to your brother’s show again if you promise me there’ll be less hipsters, and he laughed.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, not liking hipsters? I always knew he was a self-hater. OR IS HE? These posts don’t include the submitter’s age…

Gael Garcia Bernal

I was in Spain visiting my grandmother a few years ago, and I managed to score some tickets get into some premier for a movie thanks to my cousin who was part of the production team. I had pretty good seats, not front row or anything, but within the first 3 rows. The seat to my right was empty for the first half hour maybe, when this stunningly gorgeous man said, “Excuse me” and sat down. He had the most amazing green eyes, and even though he was short, less than 2 inches taller than me, he was so attractive.

That is all I can quote, because it is FILTHY. Also, it’s very very very very very fake sounding. The best part about this quasi-fan fiction is that it’s not even Mary Sue stuff, because the whole point is that you write yourself into it.

Shia LaBeouf

I met him at a not so well known bar in LA back before, well when he was starting to become, a movie star. It was not a celeb hot spot, and me and some of my girls decided to go out for some drinks. Never would I think this guy would be here. It was like RIGHT before that movie Disturbia came out. I was at the bar and he was there with some of his boys. We had some eye contact and when I went to the bar, that’s when he came up to me.

Yeah but I bet he was wearing some stupid reindeer sweater or something.

Despite some of our favorites (and “favorites”), the only story that you REALLY need to read is the one about Travis Barker. He’s certainly not a hipster, and doesn’t look much like a pedophile, but apparently he likes to be watched.

While I was waiting for him to get there I was trying to get my sister to leave but she was sleeping n anybody who knows her knows that if she’s sleeping its gonna take hours to wake her up!…While he was in the bathroom I smacked my sister’s face to wake her up to tell he what happened. She laughed n said I know bitch I was watching. lol.

An important part of our responsibilities here on Hipster or Pedophile are spotting potential hipsters/pedophiles and alerting you, the general public, of the threat they pose. However, we would be remiss if we left it at that. It is almost equally important that we function as parole officers, keeping an eye repeat offenders and tracking the progress of hispters/pedophiles on the road to recovery (hypothetically, of course. NOBODY ever seems to recover).

THIS IS WHAT I MEAN!

We have our eye on you, too!

We have our eye on you, too!

Maybe actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt is branching out into producing the next big indie film, maybe he’s documenting recess at the local preschool. EITHER WAY he has a lot of explaining to do!

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I can only assume that this is Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s way of telling us that he’s grown up, like when Jessica Biel did that photoshoot for Maxim or whatever and she was naked and 17. I don’t really blame her. If I was on Seventh Heaven I would have gone on a murderous rampage. Not even to just get off the show, just because it would have made me go completely insane.

Okay, back to Joey. With his scraggly little half-beard and his overcoat with the Obama button, he’s trying to show us that he’s a man now – he can grow a beard (sort-of), and he’s even old enough to vote! You know what else scraggly little half-beards and gross overcoats show us? Because I think you do. And don’t think that the double scarves are fooling us. One would have gotten the diagnosis hipster. Two get the diagnosis trying too hard to hide.

EXCEPT. Then I looked him up on  imdb, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt has written and directed a movie called Sparks. There isn’t a synopsis on there, so until it’s proven otherwise, I’m going to have to assume that its’ an ode to everyone’s favorite tongue-staining caffeinated malt beverage. The only way I’ll change my mind is if I find out that Joseph Gordon-Levitt is responsible for Wikipedia‘s claim that children drink Sparks because they didn’t know there was alcohol in it. Which is fine if the children are RETARDED and ILLITERATE since it says right on the can that there’s alcohol in it! Something tells me that if children drank Sparks, it wasn’t by accident. AH I’M JUST SO ANGRY ABOUT IT! Sparks without caffeine is like a day without sunshine, or a day where it snowed a lot the night before but you still have to go to school because oooooh you’re a “grown up” and you don’t go to “school” you go to “work” and either way it is horrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!