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A few weeks ago, Buzzfeed posted a list of Halloween costumes you could wear with your “Octobeard.” I assume this is the October and beard version of the mustache you grow to celebrate Mustache March when you are a bro in college who just discovered the ironi-stache and also you don’t have a real job yet so you can look like a creep and it’s okay.

Obviously, someone agreed with our analysis of Joaquin Phoenix.

This was totally made by hipsters. They’re just trying to disguise themselves.

It’s a good thing Aziz Ansari says explicitly that he’s “not a child molester AT ALL,” because he was on my shortlist. I mean, for real, have you seen his full beard?

I don’t know what a Kellan Lutz is, but this one needs to stop looking at that girl in the bikini. She looks barely legal, where “barely” is another word for “not.”

Kids, AND I’M LOOKING AT YOU LITTLE AMELIA POND, if this guy ever asks you if you to join him in his TARDIS, say no. Then please tell a trusted adult, like a parent, a teacher, or any adult who isn’t giving you a fucking deathstare. Do NOT let him come any closer.

Basically, you’re dead now. What is with the recent Doctors, anyway? First we have a seriously dangerous Death Eater who KILLED HIS OWN FATHER, led to the death of Cedric Diggory, and tried to kill little Harry Potter. Now they have a guy with no eyebrows (don’t let the BBC trick you, that is photoshop not eyebrows!) and one of those HORRIBLE CREEPSTER HATS. Seeing someone wear this style of hat (unless they’re an old Cuban man) is basically seeing Chris Hansen follow them around with a stool and an internet chat transcript.

I like Drew Barrymore. She’s “cute,” in the best possible way, and she seems like a pretty decent person. Whip It was actually really good (I was as surprised as anyone: a roller derby movie starring Juno and Kristen Wiig? Ugh. But no! Awesome). I give her huge props for totally turning her teenage years – drug addiction, starring in movies like Poison Ivy and the Amy Fisher Story as Ivy and Amy Fisher, respectively. Lindsay Lohan would do well to take a page from Drew’s book. Just, maybe not a page from a recent chapter.

I’m not sure what look Drew is going for here. I think it’s probably meant to be some cool thing, because famous people keep trying to make these hats work. These hats are totally fetch, as in they are never going to happen. They also always make you look kind of creepy. The whole outfit, with those kicks, the big headphones and the pretty full looking backpack, screams runaway teen. Then the reflective sunglasses whisper, “hey, don’t look at my eyes.” So basically, Drew Barrymore looks like a creepy old man runaway teen who doesn’t want anyone to see what her eyes are doing. It reminds me of one of my favorite episodes of SVU, where Eric van der Woodsen plays a kid named Teddy (I know, right?) who sexually abuses his little brother on his website called “Teddy’s Treehouse,” then runs away when he’s caught.

Even that woman behind her looks worried. A little starstruck maybe, but worried too.

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To be fair, I think Tina Fey is actually more of a pederast here, or, in modern parlance, a “cougar.”

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I’m a temp, too, so I totally understand the need to have an emotional outlet for the emotions that motion through me all the time, mostly about how I hate temping and I wish I had a real job and maybe I should be looking for one then? But at least I OWN my emotions instead of pretending to embrace irony with my Rivers Cuomo glasses and gigantic ugly watch (my watch is kind of big, but it is awesome).

And yes, I am, in fact, aware that I have previously featured a still from this video. But in the words of Goddess Ke$ha Herself, “I don’t give a, I don’t give a, I don’t give a.” Also, it took YEARS but I finally figured out how to add Hulu videos to WordPress, so expect about a million videos of NBC’s Thursday night shows.

SPOILER ALERT: This is a joke. Please don’t get butthurt because your dream boyfriend might be a hipster (and if your dream boyfriend is Noel Fielding, is definitely a hipster).

Some people never have a chance, really. They say that pedophilia is a vicious cycle and I can only assume that time will show that hipster parents beget hipster kids as well. It is clearly too late for our lost boy Noel Fielding but I hold out hope that his brother Michael Fielding can still be saved. But we must act quickly!

Unhand That Child, Sir!

I suspect that Noel Fielding will try to thwart us so first we need to ascertain what sort of  a threat he poses! Thus I ask you, dear readers, Noel Fielding – HIP or PED…make your choice…

p.s. Noel Fielding may have Michael dressing like him (skinny jeans and a skeleton jumper) to make him look older but that fake mustache is fooling no one. The boy is clearly underage.*

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While most people of late had been watching the Olympics with rapt attention I spent the majority of February getting into Criminal Minds. It’s a lot like Law and Order without that L&O twist! at the end. It does, however, have the always-adorable Matthew Grey Gubler. To be honest, he’s like 90% of the reason I watch (I’m shallow-whatever).

The more I see of him, however, the more concerned I become. And thus I turn to you, dear readers to help me decide: Hip or Ped?

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