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A few weeks ago, Buzzfeed posted a list of Halloween costumes you could wear with your “Octobeard.” I assume this is the October and beard version of the mustache you grow to celebrate Mustache March when you are a bro in college who just discovered the ironi-stache and also you don’t have a real job yet so you can look like a creep and it’s okay.

Obviously, someone agreed with our analysis of Joaquin Phoenix.

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This was totally made by hipsters. They’re just trying to disguise themselves.

So I know that Brad Pitt is Mr. Family Man with Angelina Jolie. But there are SO MANY tabloid stories about them breaking up and everyone’s like “but what about the children?????” Number one, I think the only real fear for these kids if the two of them broke up is that Angelina would raise them, and that without Brad Pitt in her life she would start wearing the kids’ blood in vials around her neck. Not that I think Brad Pitt is necessarily the best guy ever, because I’ve never met him and also because I always think he’s a girlfriend abuser because he beat Jackie up on Roseanne. But then I remember that that was George Clooney, so I think that really tells you how much I care about either of them. If that doesn’t tell you, I will: I don’t really care about either Brad Pitt or George Clooney.

I do care about the safety of Brad Pitt’s children though.

Oh no, who is that guy they’re with??????? Where is Angelina?????? Shouldn’t she be protecting them with her Tomb Raiding skillz???? And, is it me, or are Shiloh and Zahara pretty much the hippest toddlers in the world? Shiloh in a total Agyness Deyn way, and Zahara in a, I don’t know, less androgynous way? Suri Cruise better watch her back. Just like Little J became Constance’s Queen Bee, these two are going to team up and take over and all the other popular Hollywood Children will stop wearing headbands and start wearing skinny jeans, and Suri will have to team up with like, Matt Damon’s kids or someone that no one will ever recognize to try to bring down Zaharloh. But then Nate Archibald will show up and be Zaharloh’s escort at the coming out ball and Suri will realize that she’s finally met her match. This is the best comparison I can come up with, because I saw a commercial today that reminded me Gossip Girl starts again on Monday, and it’s all I can think about. This is no good, because I’m taking the GRE this weekend, so unless one of the essays is about the social politics of the Upper East Side, and the math problems are about threesomes involving Hillary Duff, I might be fucked.

NO SHAKIRA, DON’T GET IN THAT CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!@@~~~!!!!

I just want to preface this by saying that I did not watch the VMAs. Sorry but even though I might not look it to most people, I’m not a tween (when I started my current job, THREE different people asked if I was excited to be out of high school and if I was planning going to college after a year off). If that makes me a hipster, well, at least I have nothing to do with the Jonas Brothers. That would make me a pedophile.

I do have several friends who apparently watched the VMAs and live-tweeted it. It was brutal to wade through, but I found out that Kanye West continues to be a douche, I should be on Team Taylor, Beyonce is a class act who apparently had the best performance of the night, and Lady Gaga was the best dressed. Yeah… no. I know this because I checked out some pictures of the evening. That’s how I found out about the new Asher Roth.

Remember when Ryan Gosling grew a mustache for Lars and the Real Girl, and everyone was like “Ewwwww he looks like a pervert!” At least Ryan Gosling did it for a movie.

Not to mention, his date looks like she’s in an American Apparel ad. The kind that gets banned from England for looking too much like kiddie porn. But hopefully she’s “over 18” (yeah right, Dov Charney), and will at least keep future Inmate Roth away from Miranda Cosgrove.

I can sort of see what Zachary Quinto is going for here. At least, I assume it’s some kind of modern Cuban Mr. Rogers. It’s like the fashion version of fusion cooking, like Cuban-Christian gourmet dinners. Except he decided that, in this case, “modern” means a mustache that’s decidedly stuck between pedophile and Possibly Evil Corporate Executive On An Early 60s Sitcom. Sorry, dude, but only John Waters can pull that shit off. Even his cartoon self couldn’t do it quite right.

Here are several ways to update one’s wardrobe so that you don’t look like you touch children.

  • Tin foil. Tin foil makes you look like a robot, and robots are very modern. If you use the shiny side, it looks even more futuristic. Especially if you wear it as a hat (this also stops the government from reading your filthy, dirty thoughts).
  • Be really really really really incredibly rich, and buy Yves Saint Laurent’s 1967 Mondrian dress.
  • Be an art thief and steal that dress. I don’t recommend this, because it might end up being too much like the horrible remake of the Thomas Crown Affair that only exists to show that Old People Can Be Sexy Too™. However, if you’re an art thief, you can also just steal modern art and wear it like a poncho (take it out of the frame/unstretch the canvas first). Be careful not to do this with anything by Matisse, because who knows what might happen.
  • No matter what, don’t grow a creepy looking mustache. That is not modern, it is just creepy and wrong.

Flight of the Conchords in 100 words or less.

Two young New Zealand men immigrate to New York City to pursue their dream of being “musicians.”

Honestly, this stuff just writes itself sometimes.

Honestly, this stuff just writes itself sometimes.

As I understand it, “Musician” is often synonymous with unemployed, scruffy gentleman who drives around town in a rusted out van, and supplies underage kids with cheap beer. Strange how familiar that description is…

I think this calls for another round of HIPSTER or PEDOPHILE?!

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Sometimes you look at someone and you think to yourself, “man, that person is a HIPSTER.” And that’s o.k. You are probably right because, as an avid reader of this blog, you are equipped to make such a snap decision. Let’s take John Krasinski as a completely random example. John Krasinski, you think to yourself with relative confidence, is a HIPSTER.

johnkrasinski

I mean, alright, he’s not a Cobra Snake attending, fixie riding, artiste waif who pays for his ridiculously tight girl jeans with his parent’s trust fund. He’s more of a “Stuff White People Like” variety of hipster. (Seriously, check out that blog if you haven’t already, it’s awesome.)

But the point is, this guy is definitely a hipster. And maybe you’re o.k. with that. He is Jim from the Office. Jim from the Office is a pretty awesome guy, I’ll admit. He plays cute little pranks, pulls adorable faces, and he swayed with Pam to some mainstream indie band in the second season. All in all, he’s pretty endearing.

But I ask you, gentle reader, is it all just a ruse? Is young Johnny hiding his true(ly sinister) nature?!

final-john

(Do NOT trust this man!)

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Do you ever sometimes feel like people are mocking you, perhaps without even knowing? Because sometimes I feel like that when I see pictures like this. It’s as if Anthony Kiedis was getting dressed and said to himself, “Tony. You know what would be great? If you made yourself look like an ugly, creepy Johnny Depp. But how to do it…?” He decided that the best way was to get dressed as if he was Iggy Pop getting dressed as Professor Lupin getting dressed as Mr. Rogers (Lupin is dressing as Mr. Rogers to lure in the small children, but I have no idea why Iggy Pop would want to dress like that), and then threw on a pair of Rivers Cuomo glasses to throw people off his pedo trail. It sounds like one of my Halloween costumes, but it just looks creeptastic.

Some things look like harmless fun. But they are not! Sure, it’s kinda retro (old) and what hipster doesn’t love ridiculous facial hair? It takes a discerning eye (and a bigger picture, perhaps) to discover that this “Wooly Willy” character suspiciously declares himself to be “for Girls” and “for Boys.” (See lower right side).

Chris Hansen would not be amused.