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I don’t know what a Kellan Lutz is, but this one needs to stop looking at that girl in the bikini. She looks barely legal, where “barely” is another word for “not.”

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Kids, AND I’M LOOKING AT YOU LITTLE AMELIA POND, if this guy ever asks you if you to join him in his TARDIS, say no. Then please tell a trusted adult, like a parent, a teacher, or any adult who isn’t giving you a fucking deathstare. Do NOT let him come any closer.

Basically, you’re dead now. What is with the recent Doctors, anyway? First we have a seriously dangerous Death Eater who KILLED HIS OWN FATHER, led to the death of Cedric Diggory, and tried to kill little Harry Potter. Now they have a guy with no eyebrows (don’t let the BBC trick you, that is photoshop not eyebrows!) and one of those HORRIBLE CREEPSTER HATS. Seeing someone wear this style of hat (unless they’re an old Cuban man) is basically seeing Chris Hansen follow them around with a stool and an internet chat transcript.

It’s like the fucking Williamsburg chapter of NAMBLA.

PS I toooooooootally saw DJ Mom Jeans AKA Danny Masterson (that is how he is credited as a DJ. Fuckin google it if you don’t believe me) and his brother at Lollapalooza last year, watching Cat Power. They could totally tell that I spotted them and was going to report them to SVU. Unfortunately, I then got distracted by my love for Richard Belzar and didn’t. This is my fault. Thank goodness there probably aren’t a lot of kids at Coachella.

It is nice to see that Christopher Masterson only has one hat.

I know that polyester old man clothes are pretty much a visual clue for hipsters, male or female. There’s a reason why when my dad gave me a pair of unisex purple corduroy bell-bottoms when I was in middle school, I said no. Plus the fact that they were unisex purple corduroy bell-bottoms that my dad wore 25 years earlier. But Peter (associate of Bjorn and John) takes the 70s hippie (and let’s face it Dad, kind of hipster) look and says no just like I did. Instead, he’s totally dressed like my 90 year old grandfather when he goes to holiday dinners at the assisted living facility.

That said, I’m comfortable saying that Peter Moren is a hipster. Everyone knows that if you’re a pedophile looking to go to a hipster music festival, you’re going to either Pitchfork or Lollapalooza – kids under 10 get in free there.