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I’m a temp, too, so I totally understand the need to have an emotional outlet for the emotions that motion through me all the time, mostly about how I hate temping and I wish I had a real job and maybe I should be looking for one then? But at least I OWN my emotions instead of pretending to embrace irony with my Rivers Cuomo glasses and gigantic ugly watch (my watch is kind of big, but it is awesome).

And yes, I am, in fact, aware that I have previously featured a still from this video. But in the words of Goddess Ke$ha Herself, “I don’t give a, I don’t give a, I don’t give a.” Also, it took YEARS but I finally figured out how to add Hulu videos to WordPress, so expect about a million videos of NBC’s Thursday night shows.

SPOILER ALERT: This is a joke. Please don’t get butthurt because your dream boyfriend might be a hipster (and if your dream boyfriend is Noel Fielding, is definitely a hipster).

Some people never have a chance, really. They say that pedophilia is a vicious cycle and I can only assume that time will show that hipster parents beget hipster kids as well. It is clearly too late for our lost boy Noel Fielding but I hold out hope that his brother Michael Fielding can still be saved. But we must act quickly!

Unhand That Child, Sir!

I suspect that Noel Fielding will try to thwart us so first we need to ascertain what sort of  a threat he poses! Thus I ask you, dear readers, Noel Fielding – HIP or PED…make your choice…

p.s. Noel Fielding may have Michael dressing like him (skinny jeans and a skeleton jumper) to make him look older but that fake mustache is fooling no one. The boy is clearly underage.*

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While most people of late had been watching the Olympics with rapt attention I spent the majority of February getting into Criminal Minds. It’s a lot like Law and Order without that L&O twist! at the end. It does, however, have the always-adorable Matthew Grey Gubler. To be honest, he’s like 90% of the reason I watch (I’m shallow-whatever).

The more I see of him, however, the more concerned I become. And thus I turn to you, dear readers to help me decide: Hip or Ped?

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So I know that Brad Pitt is Mr. Family Man with Angelina Jolie. But there are SO MANY tabloid stories about them breaking up and everyone’s like “but what about the children?????” Number one, I think the only real fear for these kids if the two of them broke up is that Angelina would raise them, and that without Brad Pitt in her life she would start wearing the kids’ blood in vials around her neck. Not that I think Brad Pitt is necessarily the best guy ever, because I’ve never met him and also because I always think he’s a girlfriend abuser because he beat Jackie up on Roseanne. But then I remember that that was George Clooney, so I think that really tells you how much I care about either of them. If that doesn’t tell you, I will: I don’t really care about either Brad Pitt or George Clooney.

I do care about the safety of Brad Pitt’s children though.

Oh no, who is that guy they’re with??????? Where is Angelina?????? Shouldn’t she be protecting them with her Tomb Raiding skillz???? And, is it me, or are Shiloh and Zahara pretty much the hippest toddlers in the world? Shiloh in a total Agyness Deyn way, and Zahara in a, I don’t know, less androgynous way? Suri Cruise better watch her back. Just like Little J became Constance’s Queen Bee, these two are going to team up and take over and all the other popular Hollywood Children will stop wearing headbands and start wearing skinny jeans, and Suri will have to team up with like, Matt Damon’s kids or someone that no one will ever recognize to try to bring down Zaharloh. But then Nate Archibald will show up and be Zaharloh’s escort at the coming out ball and Suri will realize that she’s finally met her match. This is the best comparison I can come up with, because I saw a commercial today that reminded me Gossip Girl starts again on Monday, and it’s all I can think about. This is no good, because I’m taking the GRE this weekend, so unless one of the essays is about the social politics of the Upper East Side, and the math problems are about threesomes involving Hillary Duff, I might be fucked.

NO SHAKIRA, DON’T GET IN THAT CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!@@~~~!!!!

I feel like Mindy Kaling just caught B.J. Novak staring inappropriately at her 9 year-old sister and is like, “Ryan, come on. We’re going home and we’re going to talk about this,” but really she means yell at him for being a pervert.

So have you guys read Tales From A Groupie? Basically, it’s all these completely false stories about chicks hooking up with famous dudes. They started out mostly rappists and sports stars, but lately some of our favorite celebrities have been showing up on there. Here are some excerpts:

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

It was pretty sweet, kinda felt like having sex with a boyfriend. I got up, and put my underwear back on and sat on the couch. We spent a few minutes just looking at each other, talking about random things, and then he got up, put his underwear and lit up a cigarette. I went ahead and smoked with him, even though I don’t normally smoke. We talked for a while after that, then he got dressed and said he had to go home. He didn’t ask for my number and I didn’t ask for his, he just said he hoped we got to see each other again. I said maybe, I might go to your brother’s show again if you promise me there’ll be less hipsters, and he laughed.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, not liking hipsters? I always knew he was a self-hater. OR IS HE? These posts don’t include the submitter’s age…

Gael Garcia Bernal

I was in Spain visiting my grandmother a few years ago, and I managed to score some tickets get into some premier for a movie thanks to my cousin who was part of the production team. I had pretty good seats, not front row or anything, but within the first 3 rows. The seat to my right was empty for the first half hour maybe, when this stunningly gorgeous man said, “Excuse me” and sat down. He had the most amazing green eyes, and even though he was short, less than 2 inches taller than me, he was so attractive.

That is all I can quote, because it is FILTHY. Also, it’s very very very very very fake sounding. The best part about this quasi-fan fiction is that it’s not even Mary Sue stuff, because the whole point is that you write yourself into it.

Shia LaBeouf

I met him at a not so well known bar in LA back before, well when he was starting to become, a movie star. It was not a celeb hot spot, and me and some of my girls decided to go out for some drinks. Never would I think this guy would be here. It was like RIGHT before that movie Disturbia came out. I was at the bar and he was there with some of his boys. We had some eye contact and when I went to the bar, that’s when he came up to me.

Yeah but I bet he was wearing some stupid reindeer sweater or something.

Despite some of our favorites (and “favorites”), the only story that you REALLY need to read is the one about Travis Barker. He’s certainly not a hipster, and doesn’t look much like a pedophile, but apparently he likes to be watched.

While I was waiting for him to get there I was trying to get my sister to leave but she was sleeping n anybody who knows her knows that if she’s sleeping its gonna take hours to wake her up!…While he was in the bathroom I smacked my sister’s face to wake her up to tell he what happened. She laughed n said I know bitch I was watching. lol.

I just think if you love somebody, then their age is irrelevant. I know 60-year-old men that are more immature than some 20-year-olds that I’ve met.

I do find it kind of fascinating that my leading men tend to get younger the older I get. I’m not really sure what that means.

Congratulations, Michelle Pfeiffer, on being our first cougar on Hipster or Pedophile! Obviously, you have been a “cougar” since before there were cougars, and you are still pushing the envelope by going for younger and younger men!

Dude, I’m so hungover right now. I think maybe I did too much coke and wore way too many purple jeans last night. I don’t even know where I am right now. I woke up in some kid’s tree house, and I don’t know how I got there.

At least no one drew penises on my face or stole my bitchin’ sweater while I was passed out.

I can sort of see what Zachary Quinto is going for here. At least, I assume it’s some kind of modern Cuban Mr. Rogers. It’s like the fashion version of fusion cooking, like Cuban-Christian gourmet dinners. Except he decided that, in this case, “modern” means a mustache that’s decidedly stuck between pedophile and Possibly Evil Corporate Executive On An Early 60s Sitcom. Sorry, dude, but only John Waters can pull that shit off. Even his cartoon self couldn’t do it quite right.

Here are several ways to update one’s wardrobe so that you don’t look like you touch children.

  • Tin foil. Tin foil makes you look like a robot, and robots are very modern. If you use the shiny side, it looks even more futuristic. Especially if you wear it as a hat (this also stops the government from reading your filthy, dirty thoughts).
  • Be really really really really incredibly rich, and buy Yves Saint Laurent’s 1967 Mondrian dress.
  • Be an art thief and steal that dress. I don’t recommend this, because it might end up being too much like the horrible remake of the Thomas Crown Affair that only exists to show that Old People Can Be Sexy Too™. However, if you’re an art thief, you can also just steal modern art and wear it like a poncho (take it out of the frame/unstretch the canvas first). Be careful not to do this with anything by Matisse, because who knows what might happen.
  • No matter what, don’t grow a creepy looking mustache. That is not modern, it is just creepy and wrong.

An important part of our responsibilities here on Hipster or Pedophile are spotting potential hipsters/pedophiles and alerting you, the general public, of the threat they pose. However, we would be remiss if we left it at that. It is almost equally important that we function as parole officers, keeping an eye repeat offenders and tracking the progress of hispters/pedophiles on the road to recovery (hypothetically, of course. NOBODY ever seems to recover).

THIS IS WHAT I MEAN!

We have our eye on you, too!

We have our eye on you, too!

Maybe actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt is branching out into producing the next big indie film, maybe he’s documenting recess at the local preschool. EITHER WAY he has a lot of explaining to do!

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