Wow guys, I feel like the blogosphere is doing our job for us with this Terry Richardson buuuuuuullshit. Let’s just call a spade a bloody shovel* here. Terry Richardson is GROSS. Fuck man, you don’t have to know any of the stories going around about him. Just take a look at the pictures here at ONTD (suuuuuuper nsfw). He’s gross, and I personally have never cared for his aesthetic. If American Apparel ads can be banned in England because they look like they COULD be child pornography, then I think we can all agree that a lot of Terry Richardson photos should be banned from life for being naaasty.

You also don’t need any evidence to show that he’s a hipster. I mean, he’s like the posterboy for dirty hipster scum.

Plaid shirt? CHECK

Big ugly glasses? CHECK

Pervy facial hair? CHECK

Likes Barack Obama? CHECK

But is he a pedo? Let us delve a little bit deeper into this issue.

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Hey, remember that time I said BJ Novak looked like a pedophile?

It’s like he saw that and now he’s just fucking with me. He looks like the kind of guy I would see on the train on the way home from work, and I would be like “oh, he’s kind of cute I guess,” and then I would realize, no. I’m pretty sure this is what a Juggalo would dress like at a hipster party.

So I know that Brad Pitt is Mr. Family Man with Angelina Jolie. But there are SO MANY tabloid stories about them breaking up and everyone’s like “but what about the children?????” Number one, I think the only real fear for these kids if the two of them broke up is that Angelina would raise them, and that without Brad Pitt in her life she would start wearing the kids’ blood in vials around her neck. Not that I think Brad Pitt is necessarily the best guy ever, because I’ve never met him and also because I always think he’s a girlfriend abuser because he beat Jackie up on Roseanne. But then I remember that that was George Clooney, so I think that really tells you how much I care about either of them. If that doesn’t tell you, I will: I don’t really care about either Brad Pitt or George Clooney.

I do care about the safety of Brad Pitt’s children though.

Oh no, who is that guy they’re with??????? Where is Angelina?????? Shouldn’t she be protecting them with her Tomb Raiding skillz???? And, is it me, or are Shiloh and Zahara pretty much the hippest toddlers in the world? Shiloh in a total Agyness Deyn way, and Zahara in a, I don’t know, less androgynous way? Suri Cruise better watch her back. Just like Little J became Constance’s Queen Bee, these two are going to team up and take over and all the other popular Hollywood Children will stop wearing headbands and start wearing skinny jeans, and Suri will have to team up with like, Matt Damon’s kids or someone that no one will ever recognize to try to bring down Zaharloh. But then Nate Archibald will show up and be Zaharloh’s escort at the coming out ball and Suri will realize that she’s finally met her match. This is the best comparison I can come up with, because I saw a commercial today that reminded me Gossip Girl starts again on Monday, and it’s all I can think about. This is no good, because I’m taking the GRE this weekend, so unless one of the essays is about the social politics of the Upper East Side, and the math problems are about threesomes involving Hillary Duff, I might be fucked.

NO SHAKIRA, DON’T GET IN THAT CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!@@~~~!!!!

I feel like Mindy Kaling just caught B.J. Novak staring inappropriately at her 9 year-old sister and is like, “Ryan, come on. We’re going home and we’re going to talk about this,” but really she means yell at him for being a pervert.

I just want to preface this by saying that I did not watch the VMAs. Sorry but even though I might not look it to most people, I’m not a tween (when I started my current job, THREE different people asked if I was excited to be out of high school and if I was planning going to college after a year off). If that makes me a hipster, well, at least I have nothing to do with the Jonas Brothers. That would make me a pedophile.

I do have several friends who apparently watched the VMAs and live-tweeted it. It was brutal to wade through, but I found out that Kanye West continues to be a douche, I should be on Team Taylor, Beyonce is a class act who apparently had the best performance of the night, and Lady Gaga was the best dressed. Yeah… no. I know this because I checked out some pictures of the evening. That’s how I found out about the new Asher Roth.

Remember when Ryan Gosling grew a mustache for Lars and the Real Girl, and everyone was like “Ewwwww he looks like a pervert!” At least Ryan Gosling did it for a movie.

Not to mention, his date looks like she’s in an American Apparel ad. The kind that gets banned from England for looking too much like kiddie porn. But hopefully she’s “over 18” (yeah right, Dov Charney), and will at least keep future Inmate Roth away from Miranda Cosgrove.

Colin Meloy considering an entirely in-character escape by sea.

So word on the internet is that I am completely insane about the Decemberists. Well, yes, it’s true. I have seen the Decemberists between 15 and 17 times so far (I always lose count at 14 times, but I’ve seen them 3 times so far this year, bringing it to at least 17 times now). And yes, the highlight and defining moment of my life was the time when Colin Meloy decided to stage dive and he looked into my eyes and I touched his hand and for a split-second we both just knew that if only he didn’t have a child, we would be together and happy for the rest of our lives.

Moving on. Since I’m a little bit of a fan, and my esteemed colleague counts herself one too, it came as a bit of a surprise to me to realize that we’ve never dissected Mr. Meloy’s… predilections. On the surface, I would say hipster, easy. Meloy relocated to Portland, Oregon, where he met and began dating an artist, released a bunch of stuff on Kill Rock Stars, and eventually had a child he and the aforementioned artist named Hank. But then we delved a little bit deeper into his psyche, looking past the old-fashioned names and the indie rock cred (which, in his defense, thanks to prog-folk rock operas, remains firmly intact despite a major label contract).

Colin Meloy is neither a hipster nor a pedophile. He is, instead, a serial killer. I can’t believe it took me this long to realize it, when his songs are his confessions. You might think that Meloy is harmless, but if you think that then you’re probably confusing him with Ben Gibbard. Yes, Meloy is charming, but so was Ted Bundy.

  • “Leslie Anne Levine,” a song about am infant who died within hours of birth and then buried in a ditch (this could be said to be about a miscarriage, but in light of other evidence, I doubt it).
  • “We Both Go Down Together,” in which the son of wealthy landowners convinces “a dirty daughter from the labor camps” to participate in an alleged suicide pact. But who knows if he really kills himself too? It is a perfect way to get many disposable young beauties just where one can kill them.
  • “The Mariner’s Revenge Song,” which is the most awesome song ever!!!!! And also about an orphan seeking revenge on the rake and roustabout who left our charming writer narrator’s mother with nothing but debts and consumption. Eventually they meet in the belly of the whale, where the narrator at the very least attempts to murder the older gentleman. I am, however, convinced that he succeeds.

  • “The Island (Come and See/The Landlord’s Daughter/You’ll Not Feel the Drowning).” Dude, it’s right in the damn title. First he rapes the landlord’s daughter, then he kills her and also calls her ugly. Not only is this about murder, it’s about a particularly mean murderer.
  • The Culling of the Fold,” which is my second favorite song by the D’s (after “Mariner’s”) and one about how we all need to kill people because someone’s got to do the culling of the fold. Also, Colin Meloy is wearing very tight pants in the video linked here, so he’s also killing his chances of having more children.
  • “The Rake’s Song,” the riveting tale of a widower who murders his three remaining children for “the freedom of a new life.” To be fair, while he isn’t bothered, the ghosts of his three murdered children do return to haunt him in “The Hazards of Love 3 (Revenge!).”

I could continue, but instead I choose to keep some of my love for Colin Meloy alive. I also think it’s unfair to say too many bad things about Colin Meloy, because I’m pretty sure he had a stroke at some point. He only ever sings out of one side of his mouth, and it looks like stroke face something fierce.

It’s no secret that Dov Charney is a filthy disgusting old man. I wasn’t too surprised to see these ads nasting all over the place on Sorry Mom.

And yet, if it was actually JD Samson instead of just some femmey lookalike, I would be so much less creeped out.

Alright. So, if you are totally awesome, you know that Jarvis Cocker has just put out a new record and it is A-MAZ-ING. I mean, seriously, it’s great. It’s like all I listen to lately. Love it. I talk about it all the time. People (Ashley) have started to ask me to, you know, not talk about him so much. Especially things like this:

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This is slowly becoming a series. But that’s okay, because there’s a lot of gold on Hel Looks.

“I’m wearing an old jeans jacket, a second hand t-shirt, jeans from H&M children’s department and Le Coq Sportif sneakers.”

Now, some dating advice.

Let me ask you a question:
What’s one of the VERY BEST places to meet women?
A place that has one of the best “ratios” this side of the Playboy Mansion?
If you guessed the shopping mall, good for you.

Why do women LOVE to go to shopping malls?

Because women LOVE shopping for CLOTHES. They LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it!

(A totally non-skeazy website that I’m sure is not a scam).

So, you pick up women when they’re shopping for clothes. Reason says, then, that if you want to pick up children you do it when they’re…. that’s it! Shopping for clothes! Yes! You win! You win 2 years-life in jail (if you’re in Texas, which I assume you are)!

When hipsters start dressing like the Pied Piper, it’s not even a joke. You need to start locking up your children. NOW.