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SPOILER ALERT: This is a joke. Please don’t get butthurt because your dream boyfriend might be a hipster (and if your dream boyfriend is Noel Fielding, is definitely a hipster).

Some people never have a chance, really. They say that pedophilia is a vicious cycle and I can only assume that time will show that hipster parents beget hipster kids as well. It is clearly too late for our lost boy Noel Fielding but I hold out hope that his brother Michael Fielding can still be saved. But we must act quickly!

Unhand That Child, Sir!

I suspect that Noel Fielding will try to thwart us so first we need to ascertain what sort of  a threat he poses! Thus I ask you, dear readers, Noel Fielding – HIP or PED…make your choice…

p.s. Noel Fielding may have Michael dressing like him (skinny jeans and a skeleton jumper) to make him look older but that fake mustache is fooling no one. The boy is clearly underage.*

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While most people of late had been watching the Olympics with rapt attention I spent the majority of February getting into Criminal Minds. It’s a lot like Law and Order without that L&O twist! at the end. It does, however, have the always-adorable Matthew Grey Gubler. To be honest, he’s like 90% of the reason I watch (I’m shallow-whatever).

The more I see of him, however, the more concerned I become. And thus I turn to you, dear readers to help me decide: Hip or Ped?

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An important part of our responsibilities here on Hipster or Pedophile are spotting potential hipsters/pedophiles and alerting you, the general public, of the threat they pose. However, we would be remiss if we left it at that. It is almost equally important that we function as parole officers, keeping an eye repeat offenders and tracking the progress of hispters/pedophiles on the road to recovery (hypothetically, of course. NOBODY ever seems to recover).

THIS IS WHAT I MEAN!

We have our eye on you, too!

We have our eye on you, too!

Maybe actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt is branching out into producing the next big indie film, maybe he’s documenting recess at the local preschool. EITHER WAY he has a lot of explaining to do!

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Mr. Paul Dano

Paul Dano does not, at first glance, conform to any stereotypes of a typical pedophile. For starters, he does not have a beard nor does he appear to own or operate a van. Furthermore, he’s slowly been building a reputation by taking on roles in quirky-indie films starring other well-known hipsters. One might, therefore, make a snap judgment and assume that Mr. Dano is a hipster. Harsh!

However, it’s important* to be able to look past the surface and judge people on more subtle characteristics. For example, no matter what he’s doing, Paul Dano always looks vaguely awkward and a bit creepy.

Creepy Dano

One might say hipsters usually look awkward but “creepy” isn’t usually a hipster descriptor (unlike “gross” or “odd” or, sometimes “bizarrely attractive” which ARE good adjectives for hipsters).

So let’s consider.

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russell-brand-web

In America, Russell Brand is probably best known for his role in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” And as far as I can tell, that acting job is a pretty fair representation of his character in real life as well. To wit, Russell Brand has a reputation as a bit of a Lothario. As such, it wasn’t hard to find a few dodgy pictures of him on the internet.

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Flight of the Conchords in 100 words or less.

Two young New Zealand men immigrate to New York City to pursue their dream of being “musicians.”

Honestly, this stuff just writes itself sometimes.

Honestly, this stuff just writes itself sometimes.

As I understand it, “Musician” is often synonymous with unemployed, scruffy gentleman who drives around town in a rusted out van, and supplies underage kids with cheap beer. Strange how familiar that description is…

I think this calls for another round of HIPSTER or PEDOPHILE?!

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HIPSTER or PEDOPHILE…

Sometimes life is not a simple dichotomy. I’m sorry if I have to be the one to tell you this, gentle reader, but sometimes the truth is more complicated than that. This game, however, does not have to be complicated. Let’s keep it simple. We’ll just break down all the evidence** and then the truth will out itself.

This is Ryan Adams:

Ryan Adams

No, really, he is wearing that in public. Hiding in plain sight, eh? But! Is he a Hipster? Or is he a Pedophile?

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Sometimes you look at someone and you think to yourself, “man, that person is a HIPSTER.” And that’s o.k. You are probably right because, as an avid reader of this blog, you are equipped to make such a snap decision. Let’s take John Krasinski as a completely random example. John Krasinski, you think to yourself with relative confidence, is a HIPSTER.

johnkrasinski

I mean, alright, he’s not a Cobra Snake attending, fixie riding, artiste waif who pays for his ridiculously tight girl jeans with his parent’s trust fund. He’s more of a “Stuff White People Like” variety of hipster. (Seriously, check out that blog if you haven’t already, it’s awesome.)

But the point is, this guy is definitely a hipster. And maybe you’re o.k. with that. He is Jim from the Office. Jim from the Office is a pretty awesome guy, I’ll admit. He plays cute little pranks, pulls adorable faces, and he swayed with Pam to some mainstream indie band in the second season. All in all, he’s pretty endearing.

But I ask you, gentle reader, is it all just a ruse? Is young Johnny hiding his true(ly sinister) nature?!

final-john

(Do NOT trust this man!)

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So my illustrious and prolific co-author just posted about Fergie and Josh and then i saw this on Oh No They Didn’t! The original post was titled, appropriately, “Who’s Kissing on the Slopes?”  I’m sure local authorities* were interested as well.

img

So obviously I’m shocked. And intrigued. Is it pedophile season after such a long dry spell? Or is it just recess at the local middle school? Either way, hooray! It’s time for another round of Hipster or Pedophile. And p.s. that disguise is fooling no one, little miss!

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I’ve been feeling rather uninspired. Almost all the guys I’ve seen recently fall into the “hipster” category with no room for speculation. However, today I stumbled across this nifty little video on Youtube. I bet Youtube is full of pedophiles. Hooray!

Hopefully this refresher on what makes someone a pedophile (creepy facial hair, obvs) will motivate us all to work harder and judge our neighbors.

p.s. Sarah says mustashes are more pedophile than beards and normally I’d agree with her but, as seen in the video, with the correct accessories you can create quite the dubious middleground!