While most people of late had been watching the Olympics with rapt attention I spent the majority of February getting into Criminal Minds. It’s a lot like Law and Order without that L&O twist! at the end. It does, however, have the always-adorable Matthew Grey Gubler. To be honest, he’s like 90% of the reason I watch (I’m shallow-whatever).

The more I see of him, however, the more concerned I become. And thus I turn to you, dear readers to help me decide: Hip or Ped?

Plaid is so RAD...er...Hip!

Per Wikipedia (so you KNOW it’s true*) “Matthew Gray Gubler…is an American Actor, film director, sketch artist, and former fashion model. He made his debut in the film The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou (2004) as Intern #1.”

BAM! Right away we have a myriad of Hipster indicators. Let’s count them, shall we?

1-4. Actor, Director, Artist, Former Fashion Model – hipsters are all about leveraging their creative abilities to cross-market themselves to corner the market on cool.

5. Association with “the Life Aquatic…” and actually INTERNED for WES ANDERSON. Hipsters thrive on interning a) because it legitimizes their facade of poverty and b) provides automatic authenticity to their claim they’re doing it for the ART and not the MONEY.

Other facts:

6. He directed, edited, and co-produced the music video for “Don’t Shoot Me Santa” by the The Killers (Indie cred!)

7. Other known associates include such notable hipsters as: Zooey Deschanel & Joseph Gordon-Levitt from (500) Days of Summer, Kat Dennings (actress from Nick & Nora’s Infinite Playlist), and Vicky-T (of Cobra Starship)

However! Let’s not be hasty.

If I have learned anything from Criminal Minds it is that you have to analyze EVERYTHING about an unsub.** Therefore, let’s continue.

1. Association with the new Chipmunk franchise (wherein he provides the voice of Simon Chipmunk). Clearly a franchise aimed at children. No hipster would see a movie subtitled the Squeakquel even ironically. Else the ghosts of Liberal Arts professors past might haunt them in their sleep for eternity. Not to mention the amount of heckling they’d get from the sassy lady bartender at their favorite hole-in-the-wall drinking spot.

2. Has been known to sport scraggly facial hair. Could be an indicator of hip-ness but is also just a wee bit creepy looking, admit it. Also he cuts his own hair sometimes (per his Twitter) which could be interpreted as hip OR an attempt to disguise himself before fleeing from the cops.

3. Suspicious leg injury. All I’m going to say is that he was in (500) Days of Summer with this young lady

No means NO!

(who clearly knows how to defend herself) who was Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s soccer playing younger sister and afterwards he has a knee injury. As though he had been KICKED. He says he fell or something while dancing. But HA! Hipsters don’t dance.***

4. The Puppy Lure. We’ve all heard about pedophiles offering kids candy or a puppy if they just climb into the unmarked, rusty van at the curb. In fact an episode of Criminal Minds featured this exact kind of lure PROMINENTLY. Why else, then, would Mr. Gubler be in possession of this adorable, fluffy creature?

5. Name two things kids love. Now I will name two things kids love: Halloween and Forts!

And also, per Twitter, he has a “top secret ghost story club house.” “I am building this secret clubhouse in my backyard over summer break. No parents allowed.” Curiouser and Curiouser indeed!

5. Perfect strangers think he’s either a pedophile (for taking pictures of kids) or possibly a serial killer.

With the evidence building and no clear consensus**** I feel it is my duty to the children (and those on the brink of hipster-dom) to continue to watch Mr. Matthew Gray Gubler every week on Criminal Minds. And furthermore, I think you should consider doing the same. As Mad Eye Moody would advise, “Constant Vigilance!”

Until next time, dear readers…

*”per Wikipedia – so you know it’s true” really ought to be their official slogan instead of “the free encyclopedia.”

**Unsub=Unknowns Suspect.

***Unless they’re like DJ’s or into MGMT or something.

****Almost definitely a hipster.