So I know that Brad Pitt is Mr. Family Man with Angelina Jolie. But there are SO MANY tabloid stories about them breaking up and everyone’s like “but what about the children?????” Number one, I think the only real fear for these kids if the two of them broke up is that Angelina would raise them, and that without Brad Pitt in her life she would start wearing the kids’ blood in vials around her neck. Not that I think Brad Pitt is necessarily the best guy ever, because I’ve never met him and also because I always think he’s a girlfriend abuser because he beat Jackie up on Roseanne. But then I remember that that was George Clooney, so I think that really tells you how much I care about either of them. If that doesn’t tell you, I will: I don’t really care about either Brad Pitt or George Clooney.

I do care about the safety of Brad Pitt’s children though.

Oh no, who is that guy they’re with??????? Where is Angelina?????? Shouldn’t she be protecting them with her Tomb Raiding skillz???? And, is it me, or are Shiloh and Zahara pretty much the hippest toddlers in the world? Shiloh in a total Agyness Deyn way, and Zahara in a, I don’t know, less androgynous way? Suri Cruise better watch her back. Just like Little J became Constance’s Queen Bee, these two are going to team up and take over and all the other popular Hollywood Children will stop wearing headbands and start wearing skinny jeans, and Suri will have to team up with like, Matt Damon’s kids or someone that no one will ever recognize to try to bring down Zaharloh. But then Nate Archibald will show up and be Zaharloh’s escort at the coming out ball and Suri will realize that she’s finally met her match. This is the best comparison I can come up with, because I saw a commercial today that reminded me Gossip Girl starts again on Monday, and it’s all I can think about. This is no good, because I’m taking the GRE this weekend, so unless one of the essays is about the social politics of the Upper East Side, and the math problems are about threesomes involving Hillary Duff, I might be fucked.

NO SHAKIRA, DON’T GET IN THAT CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!@@~~~!!!!