Colin Meloy considering an entirely in-character escape by sea.

So word on the internet is that I am completely insane about the Decemberists. Well, yes, it’s true. I have seen the Decemberists between 15 and 17 times so far (I always lose count at 14 times, but I’ve seen them 3 times so far this year, bringing it to at least 17 times now). And yes, the highlight and defining moment of my life was the time when Colin Meloy decided to stage dive and he looked into my eyes and I touched his hand and for a split-second we both just knew that if only he didn’t have a child, we would be together and happy for the rest of our lives.

Moving on. Since I’m a little bit of a fan, and my esteemed colleague counts herself one too, it came as a bit of a surprise to me to realize that we’ve never dissected Mr. Meloy’s… predilections. On the surface, I would say hipster, easy. Meloy relocated to Portland, Oregon, where he met and began dating an artist, released a bunch of stuff on Kill Rock Stars, and eventually had a child he and the aforementioned artist named Hank. But then we delved a little bit deeper into his psyche, looking past the old-fashioned names and the indie rock cred (which, in his defense, thanks to prog-folk rock operas, remains firmly intact despite a major label contract).

Colin Meloy is neither a hipster nor a pedophile. He is, instead, a serial killer. I can’t believe it took me this long to realize it, when his songs are his confessions. You might think that Meloy is harmless, but if you think that then you’re probably confusing him with Ben Gibbard. Yes, Meloy is charming, but so was Ted Bundy.

  • “Leslie Anne Levine,” a song about am infant who died within hours of birth and then buried in a ditch (this could be said to be about a miscarriage, but in light of other evidence, I doubt it).
  • “We Both Go Down Together,” in which the son of wealthy landowners convinces “a dirty daughter from the labor camps” to participate in an alleged suicide pact. But who knows if he really kills himself too? It is a perfect way to get many disposable young beauties just where one can kill them.
  • “The Mariner’s Revenge Song,” which is the most awesome song ever!!!!! And also about an orphan seeking revenge on the rake and roustabout who left our charming writer narrator’s mother with nothing but debts and consumption. Eventually they meet in the belly of the whale, where the narrator at the very least attempts to murder the older gentleman. I am, however, convinced that he succeeds.

  • “The Island (Come and See/The Landlord’s Daughter/You’ll Not Feel the Drowning).” Dude, it’s right in the damn title. First he rapes the landlord’s daughter, then he kills her and also calls her ugly. Not only is this about murder, it’s about a particularly mean murderer.
  • The Culling of the Fold,” which is my second favorite song by the D’s (after “Mariner’s”) and one about how we all need to kill people because someone’s got to do the culling of the fold. Also, Colin Meloy is wearing very tight pants in the video linked here, so he’s also killing his chances of having more children.
  • “The Rake’s Song,” the riveting tale of a widower who murders his three remaining children for “the freedom of a new life.” To be fair, while he isn’t bothered, the ghosts of his three murdered children do return to haunt him in “The Hazards of Love 3 (Revenge!).”

I could continue, but instead I choose to keep some of my love for Colin Meloy alive. I also think it’s unfair to say too many bad things about Colin Meloy, because I’m pretty sure he had a stroke at some point. He only ever sings out of one side of his mouth, and it looks like stroke face something fierce.