Alright. So, if you are totally awesome, you know that Jarvis Cocker has just put out a new record and it is A-MAZ-ING. I mean, seriously, it’s great. It’s like all I listen to lately. Love it. I talk about it all the time. People (Ashley) have started to ask me to, you know, not talk about him so much. Especially things like this:

Okay. Jarvis Cocker is the epitome of awesome and, even though this word is really kind of gross and makes me uncomfortable, sexy. But does that make him a hipster or a pedophile? Let’s look at some evidence.

First, he wears Buddy Holly glasses. And not only that, he doesn’t wear them because they’re cool or ironic or anything. He wears them because he grew up poor in England, and they have state-paid healthcare, including vision? What is this place, Shangri-La? Anyway, apparently back when Jarvis was a kid, the only freebie glasses were those big ugly black plastic frame ones, and they became his trademark. Now they’re kind of ironic, but Jarvis was like the British Rivers Cuomo and MADE them ironic.

Second, he’s very clever. Even the Chicago Public Library thinks so. They recommend Pulp’s Different Class because of his supremely clever lyrics. NME quotes his songs like they’re interviews. That’s something, right? EXCEPT. I would just like to point out that pedophiles have to be very clever to not get caught. It’s a different type of clever (witty vs. tricky), but clever is clever.

Third, he wears suits and blazers all the time. I guess that’s kind of hip.

Fourth, hipsters LOVE him.

Fifth, he loves little kids. WordPress is kind of a jerk about embedding videos sometimes, and I can’t find this on youtube, but go watch this video of Jarvis dancing with little French kids. And I mean, they’re French. I think we’ve all seen enough 80s teen movies to know a thing or two about the French and their views on sexuality.

Sixth, the beard.

So, now that I’ve presented you with several pieces of evidence, what is my conclusion? Well, I certainly don’t think he’s a pedo, because ew. But according to Ashley, I am a pedophile.

But I dare you to not agree.

PS 2:23 is an even better part of the video ok.