Mr. Paul Dano

Paul Dano does not, at first glance, conform to any stereotypes of a typical pedophile. For starters, he does not have a beard nor does he appear to own or operate a van. Furthermore, he’s slowly been building a reputation by taking on roles in quirky-indie films starring other well-known hipsters. One might, therefore, make a snap judgment and assume that Mr. Dano is a hipster. Harsh!

However, it’s important* to be able to look past the surface and judge people on more subtle characteristics. For example, no matter what he’s doing, Paul Dano always looks vaguely awkward and a bit creepy.

Creepy Dano

One might say hipsters usually look awkward but “creepy” isn’t usually a hipster descriptor (unlike “gross” or “odd” or, sometimes “bizarrely attractive” which ARE good adjectives for hipsters).

So let’s consider.

Dano & Young Co-Star

Paul Dano first came to my attention for his role in the movie Little Miss Sunshine. Given the cast and the fact that the movie is popular amongst hipsters, this career decision would not raise any flags for the members of SVU. On the other hand, we must also consider that besides being in the company of Steve Carell (best known for his role in the Office along side THIS HoP man) working on Little Miss Sunshine put Mr. Dano in close proximity with a young Abigail Breslin.

Pastor Paul

Dano next surfaced in “There Will Be Blood” where he played a young preacher named “Eli Sunday.” I don’t remember him touching any children inappropriately during the film; however, I watched the movie with my co-writer and we both heard him tell an elderly lady that he was going to “fuck the devil out of her hands.”** I’ve heard that medically the very old and the very young are alike in their frailty and inability to resist attackers.*** Additionally, he showed us just how manipulative he can be in “There Will Be Blood” and that was against an adult! I can’t imagine a child strong enough to stand up to him and say “No.”

Gigantic Dano
Most incriminating of all, Dano has recently starred in the movie “Gigantic” with Zooey Daeshanel (recently named one of the top 10 Hipsters ever in some poll). I know it’s pretty en vogue for hipsters to be starting families these days but is it possible his motives are more sinister than merely passing on his hipster tastes to the next generation? The short answer is, “I don’t know.”****

In closing, I will leave you with this to contemplate:

Dano Confesses

I’m FINIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISHED!

*More fun.
**To be fair, we were the only audience members who seemed to hear him make this declaration.
***Viruses. But having a compromised immune system works as a metaphor for pedophilia.
****Because I haven’t actually seen the movie yet.

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