David Beckham is way too much of a jock to ever be anything close to a hipster. Don’t let high school movies or Nate from Gossip Girl fool you. Jocks can’t be hipsters. Hipsters can ride bikes, which is only a sport if you’re in the tour de France. Hipsters can play kickball, but that’s not a real sport. It’s a hipsport*.

The suit here is really nice, and I know that Becky is really into his appearance, which is something that is way more hipster than it is pedophile. And we all know how he likes to have sex with nannies (No he doesn’t** – Ed.). But that smirk says that maybe when he’s having sex with nannies (He’s not – Ed.), he’s thinking about other people. Smaller, less grown-up people.

Plus he’s wearing that scarf ALL WRONG.

*A “hipsport” is loosely defined as a “sport” that can easily be played in jeans and while drinking beer. A hipsport is unlikely to get the jeans very dirty, which is good because the average player seldom does laundry and washes their jeans even less frequently.

**Actually, after some research, it’s Jude Law and (based on my extensive knowledge of the upper crust via Gossip Girl) rich boys. David Beckham likes to have sex with personal assistants and alleged models.

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