Okay, so this isn’t actually mail, per se, because no one has ever emailed in any questions. But it’s essentially the same thing, wherein I respond to the search terms people used to find our humble little blog.

Question: “What do stupid young hipster guys want?”

Answer: Expensive jeans and cocaine. Sometimes you can woo them with a little weed and some Sparks, and if they have some cocaine in the pocket of their expensive jeans they are more than happy with cheap ironic beer. Except not really, and they’ll ask you to buy them expensive mixed drinks made with expensive whiskey and they’ll offer to give you $2 for it. Don’t be fooled. These guys are just assholes in expensive jeans. Oh, and they also want iPhones.

Question: “Was Mr. Rogers a child molester?”

Answer: No and you are disgusting for even thinking that. Seriously, Mr. Rogers was a god among men, even though he might not like me saying that because he was a minister. But he was an amazing man who really cared about children (not in a gross way, okay!) and spent his entire life trying to help kids be everything they could possibly be and I love him. I hate you for asking.

Question: “Why do pedophiles have mustaches?”

Answer: The world may never truly know. My guess is that it’s because  it makes them look a lot creepier. But you have to realize, not all pedophiles have mustaches. Some have beards, and some are even cleanshaven. I know it sounds like crazy talk, but it is true!