Sometimes you look at someone and you think to yourself, “man, that person is a HIPSTER.” And that’s o.k. You are probably right because, as an avid reader of this blog, you are equipped to make such a snap decision. Let’s take John Krasinski as a completely random example. John Krasinski, you think to yourself with relative confidence, is a HIPSTER.

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I mean, alright, he’s not a Cobra Snake attending, fixie riding, artiste waif who pays for his ridiculously tight girl jeans with his parent’s trust fund. He’s more of a “Stuff White People Like” variety of hipster. (Seriously, check out that blog if you haven’t already, it’s awesome.)

But the point is, this guy is definitely a hipster. And maybe you’re o.k. with that. He is Jim from the Office. Jim from the Office is a pretty awesome guy, I’ll admit. He plays cute little pranks, pulls adorable faces, and he swayed with Pam to some mainstream indie band in the second season. All in all, he’s pretty endearing.

But I ask you, gentle reader, is it all just a ruse? Is young Johnny hiding his true(ly sinister) nature?!

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(Do NOT trust this man!)

Well, well, well. What have we here? Where are you going, Jim, so poorly disguised with that fake mustache and those suspicious coveralls? Why do you look so upset? Is it your conscience troubling you? And who, pray tell, are your companions?

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It is a well known fact* that rapists (and thus pedophiles as a subset of rapists) travel in packs.

Furthermore, we have documented proof of John growing an alleged “pedo” beard.**

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Now why would a nice, quiet hipster like John grow such a monstrosity?*** Mayhaps it is just his true nature seeping out of his pores. In which case, he better wash that mess off before someone notices!

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OMG! COVER YOUR EYES! SAVE YOURSELF! SAVE THE CHILDREN!!!

WHY, GOD, WHY?! etc.

Indeed. WHY? Why would such a paragon of Hipness have naked pictures online where young children could find them? What kind of a man are we dealing with here? Is this possibly a case of passive pedophilia?!

I will let you decide.

*by well known fact I mean I saw an episode of Law and Order: SVU once where Stabler went under cover as a parolled rapist to befriend another rapist and they drove around in a van together looking for women to rape.

**as documented in this post.

***Personal opinion. I usually approve of facial hair but he looks so much better without it.

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