You may have heard that (maybe former) actor Joaquin Phoenix is ditching movies to become a rapper. Not only that, but his rapper name is going to be Joke P. More like Joke Pedophile, am I right? I AM SO RIGHT. He’s even preemptively posed for his mugshot on Friday night.

I feel like this is a totally fine and appropriate moment to tell my story about how I like to call rappers rappists. When I was in college, I took Dutch for like 3 years. One semester, we would have weekly pop quizzes where we had to translate news articles. Since they had to relate to our vocab lists from the previous few weeks, they were always totally random. One week, our article was about Eminem and the rise of rap in the Netherlands or something, and it referred to Eminem as a rappist. I always thought that it was hilarious and all, but  now I think I have the perfect mental image of a celebrity rappist in Joaquin Phoenix.

I’ve only included this picture because when Ashley showed it to me, I thought that his penis was poking through that gigantic hole in is jeans. Jeez dude! Patch that shit! When I get a whole in the crotch of my pants, I sew it closed, and I don’t even have external genitalia that might pop through!

In closing, in case you couldn’t tell just by looking, Joaquin “Joke P” Phoenix has officially crossed the line from hipster to pedophile. I think it’s the pedo beard, but the ratty torn-up underpants looking hat doesn’t help AT ALL.

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