My New Favorite Blog

So have you guys read Tales From A Groupie? Basically, it’s all these completely false stories about chicks hooking up with famous dudes. They started out mostly rappists and sports stars, but lately some of our favorite celebrities have been showing up on there. Here are some excerpts:

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

It was pretty sweet, kinda felt like having sex with a boyfriend. I got up, and put my underwear back on and sat on the couch. We spent a few minutes just looking at each other, talking about random things, and then he got up, put his underwear and lit up a cigarette. I went ahead and smoked with him, even though I don’t normally smoke. We talked for a while after that, then he got dressed and said he had to go home. He didn’t ask for my number and I didn’t ask for his, he just said he hoped we got to see each other again. I said maybe, I might go to your brother’s show again if you promise me there’ll be less hipsters, and he laughed.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, not liking hipsters? I always knew he was a self-hater. OR IS HE? These posts don’t include the submitter’s age…

Gael Garcia Bernal

I was in Spain visiting my grandmother a few years ago, and I managed to score some tickets get into some premier for a movie thanks to my cousin who was part of the production team. I had pretty good seats, not front row or anything, but within the first 3 rows. The seat to my right was empty for the first half hour maybe, when this stunningly gorgeous man said, “Excuse me” and sat down. He had the most amazing green eyes, and even though he was short, less than 2 inches taller than me, he was so attractive.

That is all I can quote, because it is FILTHY. Also, it’s very very very very very fake sounding. The best part about this quasi-fan fiction is that it’s not even Mary Sue stuff, because the whole point is that you write yourself into it.

Shia LaBeouf

I met him at a not so well known bar in LA back before, well when he was starting to become, a movie star. It was not a celeb hot spot, and me and some of my girls decided to go out for some drinks. Never would I think this guy would be here. It was like RIGHT before that movie Disturbia came out. I was at the bar and he was there with some of his boys. We had some eye contact and when I went to the bar, that’s when he came up to me.

Yeah but I bet he was wearing some stupid reindeer sweater or something.

Despite some of our favorites (and “favorites”), the only story that you REALLY need to read is the one about Travis Barker. He’s certainly not a hipster, and doesn’t look much like a pedophile, but apparently he likes to be watched.

While I was waiting for him to get there I was trying to get my sister to leave but she was sleeping n anybody who knows her knows that if she’s sleeping its gonna take hours to wake her up!…While he was in the bathroom I smacked my sister’s face to wake her up to tell he what happened. She laughed n said I know bitch I was watching. lol.

I, Pedophile

Dude, I’m so hungover right now. I think maybe I did too much coke and wore way too many purple jeans last night. I don’t even know where I am right now. I woke up in some kid’s tree house, and I don’t know how I got there.

At least no one drew penises on my face or stole my bitchin’ sweater while I was passed out.

Indiana Jones and the Crystal Pervert

This is a dramatic reenactment, starring Shia LaBoeuf as himself.

shialabeefcake: hey girl long time no chat. what are you doing?

underage_sexgirl: o u know, nothin much. not participating in any kind of nbc-sponsored pedophile sting operation lol

shialabeefcake: that’s cool. what are you wearing?

underage_sexgirl: whatever it is 14 year old girls are wearing these days. it’s not like i’m actually a 42 year old man or anything lol. u?

shialabeefcake: just some ugly shoes, a ratty old t-shirt, an ugly denim jacket with a weird collar, purple jeans, and of course my calvins!

underage_sexgirl: omg i liek find you so cool you should come over to my house. my parents are totally out of town ;)

shialabeefcake: yeah for sure. what should i bring? condoms? wine coolers? cool whip?

underage_sexgirl: how about an ipod and a muffin from starbucks. i just love those things ;;)

shialabeefcake: sounds good i’ll be there soon. oh one more thing. you’re sure this isn’t a sting?

No reason not to pick up some coffee while I'm picking up her muffin

Threepeat Offender

I thought that was a baby carriage (or a “pram” as they call it in Mary Poppins, which is relevant since this picture is from England) behind Shia when I first saw it. Thank goodness that, upon a second look, it appears to be a luggage cart.

Disturbing-ia

You know how there’s the thing when two people are having sex and one is, uhhhh, less clean than may be preferred, the less dirty (because, let’s face it, they’re probably both pretty nast) one’s friends are like, “Hey don’t forget to double bag it!” Only, since you’re not the woman who works at the Walgreen’s by my house and is obsessed with double bagging my bag of cotton balls, it’s more risky to double up like that. Shia, gracing our internet pages once again, proves just how dangerous two bags can be.

Seriously, why is he walking down the street with a paper bag over his head*, if it’s not to hide his identity when snatching children.

*Drugs.

A Guide To Recognizing Your Molesters

Remember when Shia LaBeouf was on Even Stevens? I know I’m a little old for it, but that show was kind of awesome, and he was actually really good in it. I haven’t really seen anything with him in it since then, except for the new Indiana Jones movie, which I really didn’t think was that bad except for stupid Mutt and his stupid fencing lessons and the stupid man-eating ants. The man-eating ants part was really stupid.

Actually, I lied. I’ve seen SO MUCH about Shia LaBeouf on gossip blogs in the last few years. There was the whole getting arrested thing, which happened two blocks from where I used to work. I thought that was pretty cool. Then there are all these pictures of him being drunk or walking around or whatever. And now there’s this picture. Seriously, if it wasn’t for the Bud Light sign in the background, I’d think he was the slow kid who hangs out at the local playground watching the kids, but you’re not really sure what’s going on with it because he’s such a man-child.

The Bud Light ad really pushes it into the danger (which is to say, hipster) zone, since BL is such a working class beer. I think it’s the one they drink on the Burg.