NAMBLos Angeles Galaxy

David Beckham is way too much of a jock to ever be anything close to a hipster. Don’t let high school movies or Nate from Gossip Girl fool you. Jocks can’t be hipsters. Hipsters can ride bikes, which is only a sport if you’re in the tour de France. Hipsters can play kickball, but that’s not a real sport. It’s a hipsport*.

The suit here is really nice, and I know that Becky is really into his appearance, which is something that is way more hipster than it is pedophile. And we all know how he likes to have sex with nannies (No he doesn’t** – Ed.). But that smirk says that maybe when he’s having sex with nannies (He’s not – Ed.), he’s thinking about other people. Smaller, less grown-up people.

Plus he’s wearing that scarf ALL WRONG.

*A “hipsport” is loosely defined as a “sport” that can easily be played in jeans and while drinking beer. A hipsport is unlikely to get the jeans very dirty, which is good because the average player seldom does laundry and washes their jeans even less frequently.

**Actually, after some research, it’s Jude Law and (based on my extensive knowledge of the upper crust via Gossip Girl) rich boys. David Beckham likes to have sex with personal assistants and alleged models.

Big Girls Don’t Cry (but little ones do when the bad man comes to visit)

Holy butts dudes, we haven’t written in here in AGES. I can’t talk for my dear co-author, but personally I am lazy and have been focused on other things, like sitting around and watching Golden Girls on Youtube. Then, today, I got home from work and checked out good old Jezebel.com, a website to which I will not link because even though I read it, I don’t really like it very much except for their writers Sadie, who is awesome, and Dodai,who is also pretty cool. Then I saw this picture of a man who has never been on my radar before: “Josh Duhamel.” I have never heard of him, but apparently he is an actor who has been in some things that I have heard of. It’s a good thing I haven’t met him for two reasons: a) I learned from Rock of Love Charm School that actors don’t like it when you don’t recognize them, and b) I would probably call him Josh Douchamel.

I love Fergie, mostly for her outside of the box (by which I mean bathroom) stance on peeing, but also to her great contributions to the world of popular culture (in addition to peeing popular culture). So I was really sad to see her here. Either Josh Duhamel is a GIANT, or she is a little girl and he is a big bad man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She looks like a 10 year old playing dress up as an Olsen twin!!!

He is wearing a scarf, which I have historically said is the #1 way to tell that someone is a hipster and not a pedophile. But he’s wearing it allllll wrong, so it is not evidence of hipsterness.

Fuckabees

Dammit Jude Law, you’re not even trying now are you? Throw on a scarf, old chap, so you at least have a sporting chance here! And please, don’t look so surprised. You’re the one that left the house with your pants tucked into your socks.