I, Pedophile

Dude, I’m so hungover right now. I think maybe I did too much coke and wore way too many purple jeans last night. I don’t even know where I am right now. I woke up in some kid’s tree house, and I don’t know how I got there.

At least no one drew penises on my face or stole my bitchin’ sweater while I was passed out.

Star Trek: Perversions

I can sort of see what Zachary Quinto is going for here. At least, I assume it’s some kind of modern Cuban Mr. Rogers. It’s like the fashion version of fusion cooking, like Cuban-Christian gourmet dinners. Except he decided that, in this case, “modern” means a mustache that’s decidedly stuck between pedophile and Possibly Evil Corporate Executive On An Early 60s Sitcom. Sorry, dude, but only John Waters can pull that shit off. Even his cartoon self couldn’t do it quite right.

Here are several ways to update one’s wardrobe so that you don’t look like you touch children.

• Tin foil. Tin foil makes you look like a robot, and robots are very modern. If you use the shiny side, it looks even more futuristic. Especially if you wear it as a hat (this also stops the government from reading your filthy, dirty thoughts).
• Be really really really really incredibly rich, and buy Yves Saint Laurent’s 1967 Mondrian dress.
• Be an art thief and steal that dress. I don’t recommend this, because it might end up being too much like the horrible remake of the Thomas Crown Affair that only exists to show that Old People Can Be Sexy Too™. However, if you’re an art thief, you can also just steal modern art and wear it like a poncho (take it out of the frame/unstretch the canvas first). Be careful not to do this with anything by Matisse, because who knows what might happen.
• No matter what, don’t grow a creepy looking mustache. That is not modern, it is just creepy and wrong.

Young Folks (whistle whistle)

I know that polyester old man clothes are pretty much a visual clue for hipsters, male or female. There’s a reason why when my dad gave me a pair of unisex purple corduroy bell-bottoms when I was in middle school, I said no. Plus the fact that they were unisex purple corduroy bell-bottoms that my dad wore 25 years earlier. But Peter (associate of Bjorn and John) takes the 70s hippie (and let’s face it Dad, kind of hipster) look and says no just like I did. Instead, he’s totally dressed like my 90 year old grandfather when he goes to holiday dinners at the assisted living facility.

That said, I’m comfortable saying that Peter Moren is a hipster. Everyone knows that if you’re a pedophile looking to go to a hipster music festival, you’re going to either Pitchfork or Lollapalooza – kids under 10 get in free there.