My New Favorite Blog

So have you guys read Tales From A Groupie? Basically, it’s all these completely false stories about chicks hooking up with famous dudes. They started out mostly rappists and sports stars, but lately some of our favorite celebrities have been showing up on there. Here are some excerpts:

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

It was pretty sweet, kinda felt like having sex with a boyfriend. I got up, and put my underwear back on and sat on the couch. We spent a few minutes just looking at each other, talking about random things, and then he got up, put his underwear and lit up a cigarette. I went ahead and smoked with him, even though I don’t normally smoke. We talked for a while after that, then he got dressed and said he had to go home. He didn’t ask for my number and I didn’t ask for his, he just said he hoped we got to see each other again. I said maybe, I might go to your brother’s show again if you promise me there’ll be less hipsters, and he laughed.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, not liking hipsters? I always knew he was a self-hater. OR IS HE? These posts don’t include the submitter’s age…

Gael Garcia Bernal

I was in Spain visiting my grandmother a few years ago, and I managed to score some tickets get into some premier for a movie thanks to my cousin who was part of the production team. I had pretty good seats, not front row or anything, but within the first 3 rows. The seat to my right was empty for the first half hour maybe, when this stunningly gorgeous man said, “Excuse me” and sat down. He had the most amazing green eyes, and even though he was short, less than 2 inches taller than me, he was so attractive.

That is all I can quote, because it is FILTHY. Also, it’s very very very very very fake sounding. The best part about this quasi-fan fiction is that it’s not even Mary Sue stuff, because the whole point is that you write yourself into it.

Shia LaBeouf

I met him at a not so well known bar in LA back before, well when he was starting to become, a movie star. It was not a celeb hot spot, and me and some of my girls decided to go out for some drinks. Never would I think this guy would be here. It was like RIGHT before that movie Disturbia came out. I was at the bar and he was there with some of his boys. We had some eye contact and when I went to the bar, that’s when he came up to me.

Yeah but I bet he was wearing some stupid reindeer sweater or something.

Despite some of our favorites (and “favorites”), the only story that you REALLY need to read is the one about Travis Barker. He’s certainly not a hipster, and doesn’t look much like a pedophile, but apparently he likes to be watched.

While I was waiting for him to get there I was trying to get my sister to leave but she was sleeping n anybody who knows her knows that if she’s sleeping its gonna take hours to wake her up!…While he was in the bathroom I smacked my sister’s face to wake her up to tell he what happened. She laughed n said I know bitch I was watching. lol.

To Gillian on her 3rd Birthday

“I just think if you love somebody, then their age is irrelevant. I know 60-year-old men that are more immature than some 20-year-olds that I’ve met.“

“I do find it kind of fascinating that my leading men tend to get younger the older I get. I’m not really sure what that means.“

Congratulations, Michelle Pfeiffer, on being our first cougar on Hipster or Pedophile! Obviously, you have been a “cougar” since before there were cougars, and you are still pushing the envelope by going for younger and younger men!

I, Pedophile

Dude, I’m so hungover right now. I think maybe I did too much coke and wore way too many purple jeans last night. I don’t even know where I am right now. I woke up in some kid’s tree house, and I don’t know how I got there.

At least no one drew penises on my face or stole my bitchin’ sweater while I was passed out.

Star Trek: Perversions

I can sort of see what Zachary Quinto is going for here. At least, I assume it’s some kind of modern Cuban Mr. Rogers. It’s like the fashion version of fusion cooking, like Cuban-Christian gourmet dinners. Except he decided that, in this case, “modern” means a mustache that’s decidedly stuck between pedophile and Possibly Evil Corporate Executive On An Early 60s Sitcom. Sorry, dude, but only John Waters can pull that shit off. Even his cartoon self couldn’t do it quite right.

Here are several ways to update one’s wardrobe so that you don’t look like you touch children.

• Tin foil. Tin foil makes you look like a robot, and robots are very modern. If you use the shiny side, it looks even more futuristic. Especially if you wear it as a hat (this also stops the government from reading your filthy, dirty thoughts).
• Be really really really really incredibly rich, and buy Yves Saint Laurent’s 1967 Mondrian dress.
• Be an art thief and steal that dress. I don’t recommend this, because it might end up being too much like the horrible remake of the Thomas Crown Affair that only exists to show that Old People Can Be Sexy Too™. However, if you’re an art thief, you can also just steal modern art and wear it like a poncho (take it out of the frame/unstretch the canvas first). Be careful not to do this with anything by Matisse, because who knows what might happen.
• No matter what, don’t grow a creepy looking mustache. That is not modern, it is just creepy and wrong.

(500) Days of Hipster Summer

An important part of our responsibilities here on Hipster or Pedophile are spotting potential hipsters/pedophiles and alerting you, the general public, of the threat they pose. However, we would be remiss if we left it at that. It is almost equally important that we function as parole officers, keeping an eye repeat offenders and tracking the progress of hispters/pedophiles on the road to recovery (hypothetically, of course. NOBODY ever seems to recover).

THIS IS WHAT I MEAN!

We have our eye on you, too!

Maybe actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt is branching out into producing the next big indie film, maybe he’s documenting recess at the local preschool. EITHER WAY he has a lot of explaining to do!

There Will Be Hipsters/Pedophiles

Paul Dano does not, at first glance, conform to any stereotypes of a typical pedophile. For starters, he does not have a beard nor does he appear to own or operate a van. Furthermore, he’s slowly been building a reputation by taking on roles in quirky-indie films starring other well-known hipsters. One might, therefore, make a snap judgment and assume that Mr. Dano is a hipster. Harsh!

However, it’s important* to be able to look past the surface and judge people on more subtle characteristics. For example, no matter what he’s doing, Paul Dano always looks vaguely awkward and a bit creepy.

One might say hipsters usually look awkward but “creepy” isn’t usually a hipster descriptor (unlike “gross” or “odd” or, sometimes “bizarrely attractive” which ARE good adjectives for hipsters).

So let’s consider.

Can’t Hardly Wait – to Call Child Protective Services

I’m not even saying anything about this, Ethan Embry.

Inside of You, Russell Brand

In America, Russell Brand is probably best known for his role in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” And as far as I can tell, that acting job is a pretty fair representation of his character in real life as well. To wit, Russell Brand has a reputation as a bit of a Lothario. As such, it wasn’t hard to find a few dodgy pictures of him on the internet.

Oh No They DIDN’T!

I did not take (make) this picture. Someone over on ONTD did. But it really does prove several of my fears about Robert Pattinson. It also calls to mind several about Dakota Fanning, but that has nothing to do with hipsters (yet) or pedophiles (hopefully).

Threepeat Offender

I thought that was a baby carriage (or a “pram” as they call it in Mary Poppins, which is relevant since this picture is from England) behind Shia when I first saw it. Thank goodness that, upon a second look, it appears to be a luggage cart.