Obviously, someone agreed with our analysis of Joaquin Phoenix.

This was totally made by hipsters. They’re just trying to disguise themselves.

It’s a good thing Aziz Ansari says explicitly that he’s “not a child molester AT ALL,” because he was on my shortlist. I mean, for real, have you seen his full beard?

I don’t know what a Kellan Lutz is, but this one needs to stop looking at that girl in the bikini. She looks barely legal, where “barely” is another word for “not.”

Kids, AND I’M LOOKING AT YOU LITTLE AMELIA POND, if this guy ever asks you if you to join him in his TARDIS, say no. Then please tell a trusted adult, like a parent, a teacher, or any adult who isn’t giving you a fucking deathstare. Do NOT let him come any closer.

Basically, you’re dead now. What is with the recent Doctors, anyway? First we have a seriously dangerous Death Eater who KILLED HIS OWN FATHER, led to the death of Cedric Diggory, and tried to kill little Harry Potter. Now they have a guy with no eyebrows (don’t let the BBC trick you, that is photoshop not eyebrows!) and one of those HORRIBLE CREEPSTER HATS. Seeing someone wear this style of hat (unless they’re an old Cuban man) is basically seeing Chris Hansen follow them around with a stool and an internet chat transcript.

I like Drew Barrymore. She’s “cute,” in the best possible way, and she seems like a pretty decent person. Whip It was actually really good (I was as surprised as anyone: a roller derby movie starring Juno and Kristen Wiig? Ugh. But no! Awesome). I give her huge props for totally turning her teenage years – drug addiction, starring in movies like Poison Ivy and the Amy Fisher Story as Ivy and Amy Fisher, respectively. Lindsay Lohan would do well to take a page from Drew’s book. Just, maybe not a page from a recent chapter.

I’m not sure what look Drew is going for here. I think it’s probably meant to be some cool thing, because famous people keep trying to make these hats work. These hats are totally fetch, as in they are never going to happen. They also always make you look kind of creepy. The whole outfit, with those kicks, the big headphones and the pretty full looking backpack, screams runaway teen. Then the reflective sunglasses whisper, “hey, don’t look at my eyes.” So basically, Drew Barrymore looks like a creepy old man runaway teen who doesn’t want anyone to see what her eyes are doing. It reminds me of one of my favorite episodes of SVU, where Eric van der Woodsen plays a kid named Teddy (I know, right?) who sexually abuses his little brother on his website called “Teddy’s Treehouse,” then runs away when he’s caught.

Even that woman behind her looks worried. A little starstruck maybe, but worried too.

To be fair, I think Tina Fey is actually more of a pederast here, or, in modern parlance, a “cougar.”

I’m a temp, too, so I totally understand the need to have an emotional outlet for the emotions that motion through me all the time, mostly about how I hate temping and I wish I had a real job and maybe I should be looking for one then? But at least I OWN my emotions instead of pretending to embrace irony with my Rivers Cuomo glasses and gigantic ugly watch (my watch is kind of big, but it is awesome).

And yes, I am, in fact, aware that I have previously featured a still from this video. But in the words of Goddess Ke$ha Herself, “I don’t give a, I don’t give a, I don’t give a.” Also, it took YEARS but I finally figured out how to add Hulu videos to WordPress, so expect about a million videos of NBC’s Thursday night shows.

Some people never have a chance, really. They say that pedophilia is a vicious cycle and I can only assume that time will show that hipster parents beget hipster kids as well. It is clearly too late for our lost boy Noel Fielding but I hold out hope that his brother Michael Fielding can still be saved. But we must act quickly!

Unhand That Child, Sir!

I suspect that Noel Fielding will try to thwart us so first we need to ascertain what sort of  a threat he poses! Thus I ask you, dear readers, Noel Fielding – HIP or PED…make your choice…

p.s. Noel Fielding may have Michael dressing like him (skinny jeans and a skeleton jumper) to make him look older but that fake mustache is fooling no one. The boy is clearly underage.*

As the resident expert my co-writer is better equipped to explain the dynamics of Noel’s primary pièce de résistance “the Mighty Boosh.”** Or you could Wiki it. Suffice it to say that given its surreal nature the Mighty Boosh is currently making super-highway sized inroads with the cooler cliques.

Conversely, Noel Fielding basically runs around the set “like a child dizzy on lemonade.” I imagine dressing like a child attracts actual children to your location like crumbs attract ants. As evidence I would cite the sudden appearance of child shaman Kirk in the the second season episode “Nanageddon.”  Furthermore, being in “the Mighty Boosh” puts Noel in constant contact with this gentleman and has led to many jokes about him being Julian Barratt’s wife both on the show and in real life.

A Family Portait: Young Boy & His "Hilarious" Uncle***

I would elaborate on what concerns me about this power dynamic but aforementioned co-writer will probably kill me in my sleep if I keep talking about it.

I like my life. So let’s move on.

Returning to camp Arguing-that-Noel-Is-a-Hipster, promoting  “the Might Boosh” has led to a guest captain-ship of British music quiz show “Never Mind the Buzzcocks” (très hip) and has also put Noel in contact with this another HoP contestant – Russel Brand.

The Corruption Continues

I think we can all agree that maybe Noel hasn’t had the BEST of role models. Still, Stockholm Syndrome or no, one must be held accountable for their own actions**** at some point.

By now I’ve sort of lost track of why I started writing this post. Oh, yes, saving Michael Fielding. Right. It’s important! Without our help the poor guy is doomed to follow in his brother’s footsteps!

The Forces of Darkness Converge on Mike Fielding

*Actually, for the record, Michael Fielding is 28. He’s just kinda short. I guess age based on height so I’m fooled a lot. See the Kylie Minogue post for more about this.

**Credit where credit it due, I would know nothing of Noel Fielding without Sarah’s keen skillz for finding awesome things. And this is how I repay her.

***hi·lar·i·ous – extremely funny (per dictionary.com).

****actions like dressing like a hipster, for example.

The author would like to apologize to her at-home audience for the gratuitous use of asterisks and links. Though to be fair without them the article would have been a billion pages long and you probably wouldn’t have made it all the way to the bottom where the author’s note is. Cheers!

The more I see of him, however, the more concerned I become. And thus I turn to you, dear readers to help me decide: Hip or Ped?

Plaid is so RAD...er...Hip!

Per Wikipedia (so you KNOW it’s true*) “Matthew Gray Gubler…is an American Actor, film director, sketch artist, and former fashion model. He made his debut in the film The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou (2004) as Intern #1.”

BAM! Right away we have a myriad of Hipster indicators. Let’s count them, shall we?

1-4. Actor, Director, Artist, Former Fashion Model – hipsters are all about leveraging their creative abilities to cross-market themselves to corner the market on cool.

5. Association with “the Life Aquatic…” and actually INTERNED for WES ANDERSON. Hipsters thrive on interning a) because it legitimizes their facade of poverty and b) provides automatic authenticity to their claim they’re doing it for the ART and not the MONEY.

Other facts:

6. He directed, edited, and co-produced the music video for “Don’t Shoot Me Santa” by the The Killers (Indie cred!)

7. Other known associates include such notable hipsters as: Zooey Deschanel & Joseph Gordon-Levitt from (500) Days of Summer, Kat Dennings (actress from Nick & Nora’s Infinite Playlist), and Vicky-T (of Cobra Starship)

However! Let’s not be hasty.

If I have learned anything from Criminal Minds it is that you have to analyze EVERYTHING about an unsub.** Therefore, let’s continue.

1. Association with the new Chipmunk franchise (wherein he provides the voice of Simon Chipmunk). Clearly a franchise aimed at children. No hipster would see a movie subtitled the Squeakquel even ironically. Else the ghosts of Liberal Arts professors past might haunt them in their sleep for eternity. Not to mention the amount of heckling they’d get from the sassy lady bartender at their favorite hole-in-the-wall drinking spot.

2. Has been known to sport scraggly facial hair. Could be an indicator of hip-ness but is also just a wee bit creepy looking, admit it. Also he cuts his own hair sometimes (per his Twitter) which could be interpreted as hip OR an attempt to disguise himself before fleeing from the cops.

3. Suspicious leg injury. All I’m going to say is that he was in (500) Days of Summer with this young lady

No means NO!

(who clearly knows how to defend herself) who was Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s soccer playing younger sister and afterwards he has a knee injury. As though he had been KICKED. He says he fell or something while dancing. But HA! Hipsters don’t dance.***

4. The Puppy Lure. We’ve all heard about pedophiles offering kids candy or a puppy if they just climb into the unmarked, rusty van at the curb. In fact an episode of Criminal Minds featured this exact kind of lure PROMINENTLY. Why else, then, would Mr. Gubler be in possession of this adorable, fluffy creature?

5. Name two things kids love. Now I will name two things kids love: Halloween and Forts!

And also, per Twitter, he has a “top secret ghost story club house.” “I am building this secret clubhouse in my backyard over summer break. No parents allowed.” Curiouser and Curiouser indeed!

5. Perfect strangers think he’s either a pedophile (for taking pictures of kids) or possibly a serial killer.

With the evidence building and no clear consensus**** I feel it is my duty to the children (and those on the brink of hipster-dom) to continue to watch Mr. Matthew Gray Gubler every week on Criminal Minds. And furthermore, I think you should consider doing the same. As Mad Eye Moody would advise, “Constant Vigilance!”

Until next time, dear readers…

*”per Wikipedia – so you know it’s true” really ought to be their official slogan instead of “the free encyclopedia.”

**Unsub=Unknowns Suspect.

***Unless they’re like DJ’s or into MGMT or something.

****Almost definitely a hipster.