I Love Children

I just want to preface this by saying that I did not watch the VMAs. Sorry but even though I might not look it to most people, I’m not a tween (when I started my current job, THREE different people asked if I was excited to be out of high school and if I was planning going to college after a year off). If that makes me a hipster, well, at least I have nothing to do with the Jonas Brothers. That would make me a pedophile.

I do have several friends who apparently watched the VMAs and live-tweeted it. It was brutal to wade through, but I found out that Kanye West continues to be a douche, I should be on Team Taylor, Beyonce is a class act who apparently had the best performance of the night, and Lady Gaga was the best dressed. Yeah… no. I know this because I checked out some pictures of the evening. That’s how I found out about the new Asher Roth.

Remember when Ryan Gosling grew a mustache for Lars and the Real Girl, and everyone was like “Ewwwww he looks like a pervert!” At least Ryan Gosling did it for a movie.

Not to mention, his date looks like she’s in an American Apparel ad. The kind that gets banned from England for looking too much like kiddie porn. But hopefully she’s “over 18″ (yeah right, Dov Charney), and will at least keep future Inmate Roth away from Miranda Cosgrove.

The Bachelor and the Underage Bride

Colin Meloy considering an entirely in-character escape by sea.

So word on the internet is that I am completely insane about the Decemberists. Well, yes, it’s true. I have seen the Decemberists between 15 and 17 times so far (I always lose count at 14 times, but I’ve seen them 3 times so far this year, bringing it to at least 17 times now). And yes, the highlight and defining moment of my life was the time when Colin Meloy decided to stage dive and he looked into my eyes and I touched his hand and for a split-second we both just knew that if only he didn’t have a child, we would be together and happy for the rest of our lives.

Moving on. Since I’m a little bit of a fan, and my esteemed colleague counts herself one too, it came as a bit of a surprise to me to realize that we’ve never dissected Mr. Meloy’s… predilections. On the surface, I would say hipster, easy. Meloy relocated to Portland, Oregon, where he met and began dating an artist, released a bunch of stuff on Kill Rock Stars, and eventually had a child he and the aforementioned artist named Hank. But then we delved a little bit deeper into his psyche, looking past the old-fashioned names and the indie rock cred (which, in his defense, thanks to prog-folk rock operas, remains firmly intact despite a major label contract).

Colin Meloy is neither a hipster nor a pedophile. He is, instead, a serial killer. I can’t believe it took me this long to realize it, when his songs are his confessions. You might think that Meloy is harmless, but if you think that then you’re probably confusing him with Ben Gibbard. Yes, Meloy is charming, but so was Ted Bundy.

• “Leslie Anne Levine,” a song about am infant who died within hours of birth and then buried in a ditch (this could be said to be about a miscarriage, but in light of other evidence, I doubt it).
• “We Both Go Down Together,” in which the son of wealthy landowners convinces “a dirty daughter from the labor camps” to participate in an alleged suicide pact. But who knows if he really kills himself too? It is a perfect way to get many disposable young beauties just where one can kill them.
• “The Mariner’s Revenge Song,” which is the most awesome song ever!!!!! And also about an orphan seeking revenge on the rake and roustabout who left our charming writer narrator’s mother with nothing but debts and consumption. Eventually they meet in the belly of the whale, where the narrator at the very least attempts to murder the older gentleman. I am, however, convinced that he succeeds.

• “The Island (Come and See/The Landlord’s Daughter/You’ll Not Feel the Drowning).” Dude, it’s right in the damn title. First he rapes the landlord’s daughter, then he kills her and also calls her ugly. Not only is this about murder, it’s about a particularly mean murderer.
• “The Culling of the Fold,” which is my second favorite song by the D’s (after “Mariner’s”) and one about how we all need to kill people because someone’s got to do the culling of the fold. Also, Colin Meloy is wearing very tight pants in the video linked here, so he’s also killing his chances of having more children.
• “The Rake’s Song,” the riveting tale of a widower who murders his three remaining children for “the freedom of a new life.” To be fair, while he isn’t bothered, the ghosts of his three murdered children do return to haunt him in “The Hazards of Love 3 (Revenge!).”

I could continue, but instead I choose to keep some of my love for Colin Meloy alive. I also think it’s unfair to say too many bad things about Colin Meloy, because I’m pretty sure he had a stroke at some point. He only ever sings out of one side of his mouth, and it looks like stroke face something fierce.

American Appedophile

It’s no secret that Dov Charney is a filthy disgusting old man. I wasn’t too surprised to see these ads nasting all over the place on Sorry Mom.

And yet, if it was actually JD Samson instead of just some femmey lookalike, I would be so much less creeped out.

Common Pedophiles

Alright. So, if you are totally awesome, you know that Jarvis Cocker has just put out a new record and it is A-MAZ-ING. I mean, seriously, it’s great. It’s like all I listen to lately. Love it. I talk about it all the time. People (Ashley) have started to ask me to, you know, not talk about him so much. Especially things like this:

Hel Looks like a pedo #2

This is slowly becoming a series. But that’s okay, because there’s a lot of gold on Hel Looks.

“I’m wearing an old jeans jacket, a second hand t-shirt, jeans from H&M children’s department and Le Coq Sportif sneakers.”

Now, some dating advice.

Let me ask you a question:
What’s one of the VERY BEST places to meet women?
A place that has one of the best “ratios” this side of the Playboy Mansion?
If you guessed the shopping mall, good for you.

Why do women LOVE to go to shopping malls?

Because women LOVE shopping for CLOTHES. They LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it!

(A totally non-skeazy website that I’m sure is not a scam).

So, you pick up women when they’re shopping for clothes. Reason says, then, that if you want to pick up children you do it when they’re…. that’s it! Shopping for clothes! Yes! You win! You win 2 years-life in jail (if you’re in Texas, which I assume you are)!

Hel Looks like a pedo

When hipsters start dressing like the Pied Piper, it’s not even a joke. You need to start locking up your children. NOW.

My New Favorite Blog

So have you guys read Tales From A Groupie? Basically, it’s all these completely false stories about chicks hooking up with famous dudes. They started out mostly rappists and sports stars, but lately some of our favorite celebrities have been showing up on there. Here are some excerpts:

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

It was pretty sweet, kinda felt like having sex with a boyfriend. I got up, and put my underwear back on and sat on the couch. We spent a few minutes just looking at each other, talking about random things, and then he got up, put his underwear and lit up a cigarette. I went ahead and smoked with him, even though I don’t normally smoke. We talked for a while after that, then he got dressed and said he had to go home. He didn’t ask for my number and I didn’t ask for his, he just said he hoped we got to see each other again. I said maybe, I might go to your brother’s show again if you promise me there’ll be less hipsters, and he laughed.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, not liking hipsters? I always knew he was a self-hater. OR IS HE? These posts don’t include the submitter’s age…

Gael Garcia Bernal

I was in Spain visiting my grandmother a few years ago, and I managed to score some tickets get into some premier for a movie thanks to my cousin who was part of the production team. I had pretty good seats, not front row or anything, but within the first 3 rows. The seat to my right was empty for the first half hour maybe, when this stunningly gorgeous man said, “Excuse me” and sat down. He had the most amazing green eyes, and even though he was short, less than 2 inches taller than me, he was so attractive.

That is all I can quote, because it is FILTHY. Also, it’s very very very very very fake sounding. The best part about this quasi-fan fiction is that it’s not even Mary Sue stuff, because the whole point is that you write yourself into it.

Shia LaBeouf

I met him at a not so well known bar in LA back before, well when he was starting to become, a movie star. It was not a celeb hot spot, and me and some of my girls decided to go out for some drinks. Never would I think this guy would be here. It was like RIGHT before that movie Disturbia came out. I was at the bar and he was there with some of his boys. We had some eye contact and when I went to the bar, that’s when he came up to me.

Yeah but I bet he was wearing some stupid reindeer sweater or something.

Despite some of our favorites (and “favorites”), the only story that you REALLY need to read is the one about Travis Barker. He’s certainly not a hipster, and doesn’t look much like a pedophile, but apparently he likes to be watched.

While I was waiting for him to get there I was trying to get my sister to leave but she was sleeping n anybody who knows her knows that if she’s sleeping its gonna take hours to wake her up!…While he was in the bathroom I smacked my sister’s face to wake her up to tell he what happened. She laughed n said I know bitch I was watching. lol.

To Gillian on her 3rd Birthday

“I just think if you love somebody, then their age is irrelevant. I know 60-year-old men that are more immature than some 20-year-olds that I’ve met.“

“I do find it kind of fascinating that my leading men tend to get younger the older I get. I’m not really sure what that means.“

Congratulations, Michelle Pfeiffer, on being our first cougar on Hipster or Pedophile! Obviously, you have been a “cougar” since before there were cougars, and you are still pushing the envelope by going for younger and younger men!

I, Pedophile

Dude, I’m so hungover right now. I think maybe I did too much coke and wore way too many purple jeans last night. I don’t even know where I am right now. I woke up in some kid’s tree house, and I don’t know how I got there.

At least no one drew penises on my face or stole my bitchin’ sweater while I was passed out.

Star Trek: Perversions

I can sort of see what Zachary Quinto is going for here. At least, I assume it’s some kind of modern Cuban Mr. Rogers. It’s like the fashion version of fusion cooking, like Cuban-Christian gourmet dinners. Except he decided that, in this case, “modern” means a mustache that’s decidedly stuck between pedophile and Possibly Evil Corporate Executive On An Early 60s Sitcom. Sorry, dude, but only John Waters can pull that shit off. Even his cartoon self couldn’t do it quite right.

Here are several ways to update one’s wardrobe so that you don’t look like you touch children.

• Tin foil. Tin foil makes you look like a robot, and robots are very modern. If you use the shiny side, it looks even more futuristic. Especially if you wear it as a hat (this also stops the government from reading your filthy, dirty thoughts).
• Be really really really really incredibly rich, and buy Yves Saint Laurent’s 1967 Mondrian dress.
• Be an art thief and steal that dress. I don’t recommend this, because it might end up being too much like the horrible remake of the Thomas Crown Affair that only exists to show that Old People Can Be Sexy Too™. However, if you’re an art thief, you can also just steal modern art and wear it like a poncho (take it out of the frame/unstretch the canvas first). Be careful not to do this with anything by Matisse, because who knows what might happen.
• No matter what, don’t grow a creepy looking mustache. That is not modern, it is just creepy and wrong.